From Unforgiveness to Peace

     It's been a while since I last posted...a couple weeks. They have been difficult weeks. A dear friend and coworker (I've known her for over 16 years, and at one time we shared a duplex together) was fired by my boss.

     Also,my oldest sister Darlene, who is diabetic, on dialysis, and has had open heart surgery and now wears a pacemaker, now lives in a nursing home and she has gangrene in her foot. She's facing an amputation of her leg from below the knee. She's not accepted Jesus as her Savior and it's possible she may not live through the surgery which is scheduled September 4th.

                                         It has been a couple of very difficult weeks.

     After my friend was fired, I was in shock. I was furious with my boss. I couldn't look at him or even speak to him for fear of lashing out. I was so hurt. I told another coworker it felt like someone I loved dearly had been killed, my boss was the murderer and I had to continue to still work with him. All I wanted to do was quit and walk away from that job.

     The only thing that kept me there was the sure knowledge that I've know with each job I've ever had since beginning my journey of liveliving with my Savior...the Lord got me the job for a reason and until He opened the door to another job, I was responsible to walk in obedience to stay there until He said, "Go," no matter how I "felt". 

     And there's the issue of forgiveness. IMPOSSIBLE to do when my feelings were so raw. But, boy, oh boy, did I pray for relief. He's taught me that forgiveness isn't about how you "feel", it's all about surrendering the pain of betrayal to Him, confessing to Him how I felt, and from my heart speaking the words, "I forgive him." And then trusting God to change how I felt. I knew that until I did that, the "feelings", the pain, would remain. I have forgiven him and am trusting God with the feelings, day by day. 

    The Monday after she was fired (on Friday, at the end of the day), I was called into my bosses boss' office, the Underwriting Supervisor and Manager. They told me that they had decided  that I was going to go full time into Underwriting instead of working in the Claims department. I thought to myself at the time, "hmmm, probably the best way for my Claims Manager to get rid of me without actually firing me," and over the past week I've been slowly transitioning into my new position. The Claims Manager hasn't spoken to me unless he absolutely had to since the firing and I thought that if he could fire my friend who had been there 13 years and was a fine claims representative who cared more for her injured workers and insureds that she did about dotting every "i" and crossing every "t" as upper management wanted, then surely because of our friendship he would be able to find a way to fire me as well. I thought he was watching me like a hawk in order to find a way to accuse me of insubordination, write me up and fire me too.

     It's been a couple days in the new position. I like it, it's like a new job with most of  people I really like, but in the same place. And the Lord is showing me a new perspective of how it all went down. He's reminded me that I am His and that He will take care of me as I continue to trust Him. Maybe, just maybe, my friend getting fired was under God's controlling hand, not theirs, and He has something better for her.  Maybe, just maybe, their "decision" to move me into the new position was under His control, not theirs. My God is my Father, and when one of His children is harmed, He will make a new way for them. He will comfort them and sustain them as only He can. I (and my friend) just need to fully rest, fully trust, Him. Let them think whatever they want about the control they have over me; I know Who's in control. And for that I can, I will, praise Him.That knowledge gives me hope, gives me victory, gives me peace and an renewed and revived spirit of LIFE.

Stones vs. Peace

It's been a rough week. I should have expected attacks from the enemy considering the decision my husband and I made last week, and began to put into practice, to obey God's command and fully tithe to our church. We gave each week prior to that, but knew that just giving half-heartedly wasn't fully obedient to our Father's will. So this past Sunday we stepped up and gave a full tithe. I don't share this to get a pat on the back, quite the contrary, I share this information to set the stage as one of the reasons it's been a tough week mentally. Mother's Day has always been difficult for me as well. My mother and father abandoned me and my 2 brothers when I was 2, they were 4 and 5, and to honor her on this day is tough. We've somewhat mended our fences, but the pain is still lurking in my heart. I'm just sayin'. And then we got home from church and not a word was said to me from my son about Mother's Day, and I had a disagreement with my husband, and the day just fell apart from there. Not monumental, but was enough to throw me into a self-centered conundrum. One of the worst things you can do when there's a "disagreement" is to say nothing and go to bed that way. Confrontation is tough, but it also brings quicker healing. Alas, I chose to be silent, thinking I would take it to the Lord the next day and did so. He reminded me that the same issues I was upset about, I, too, had been guilty of and shouldn't be throwing stones expecting peace. Yesterday morning when going to exercise I chose instead to go into the pool room and pour out my heart to the Lord, basically I had a melt down. I'm 57 years old and still it hurts to know that my mother and father didn't want me. "Why didn't they love us enough to seek Jesus? Why didn't they love us enough to work it out? Our lives could have been so much richer had they dealt with their problems through the Lord! Why, Father? Why?" This morning I went to the pool, again seeking peace from my heavenly Father. Unfortunately, although I went through the motions of exercising in the pool my heart wasn't in it and depression settled in. Doom and gloom shrouded my heart and I knew Satan was enjoying every minute of my despair. I wanted the Lord to wave His magic wand and walk to me on the pool's surface and take away all my pain, leaving me with a supernatural high that I could brag about to others. Strangely enough, He didn't do that. What He did gently tell me was that I needed to practice thankfulness, to tell Him all the reasons I had to be thankful to Him. Although when I started to do that I didn't "feel" thankful, the more I spoke about it, the calmer became my heart and the depression lifted from shoulders. I just read part of a "Girlfriends in God" devotional by Gwen Smith entitled, "When Your Heart Needs Healing." These words really touched my heart, "...this is one of the biggest challenges we face. Having a heart fixed on healing. To press through to a place of wellness and strength: spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. To not back down from the resistance before us in light of the rewards that await us. To run the race of faith well!" Healing. Oh God, thank you for your healing in my life. In Jesus' name I forgive my mother and father, I forgive my son, I forgive my husband, I forgive those who've hurt my child's heart. Thank you for forgiving me the hurt and pain I've caused you, I've caused others. Thank you for your mercy and grace. Thank you for your great love, thank you for the confirmation you give me in i Peter 4:8 that tells me, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." Thank you for taking my stones of pain and giving me your Living Water of peace.

Dear God, That HURTS!

Monday morning upon arrival to the gym for my time with the Lord in the pool I read a sign on the pool door that says, "Pool closed for electric shock treatment. Sorry for the inconvenience. The pool will reopen on Monday." Well, it's Monday; granted it's 5:00 AM, but it is Monday. Doesn't matter, I can't get in to the pool. So I say to myself, "That's okay. I'll just shower, dress and head upstairs to exercise in the Word of God." Shower goes fine, towel off and begin to dress. I grab my socks and reach down to put them on and WHAM!!! I knew I had moved wrong, I'd twisted in reaching for my sock and my lower back screams in pain. My voice echoes that pain and frustration. All I want to do is put on my sock, for crying out loud! I shout out, "Dear GOD, THAT HURTS!!!" I took me 20 minutes to put on my socks, then another 5 to slip on my slacks, and still I sit there. I try to get up and there's no support in my legs to do so. It takes me another 10 minutes just to stand. "I don't need this Father. I don't want this!" I realize the misalignment in my back is probably a hold over from dealing with the Achilles tendon strain that has affected my spine's balance. I know that, but Dear GOD, it HURTS. Slowly, I get dressed, do my make up stuff while still sitting, and have to lean against a wall to blow dry my hair. As long as I don't sit down and have to stand again I'm fine, but that's not going to get me anywhere; and as long as I'm walking, carefully, but walking, the pain lessens. It's the rising up and finding my balance on my legs that makes my low back scream. But I can't quit, so I do what I have to do to function through out the day. Grab that Motrin and take it sister! Just keep moving. It's now Tuesday, I've been to the gym and walked slowly on the treadmill for 20 minutes and on the exercise bike for 5, showered, dressed and have made it to work. Quite an accomplishment, but Lord Jesus, I'm frustrated and I hurt. "Daughter, it's the rising up and finding your balance that's the hardest part of your journey to liveliving. Don't quit. I am with you wherever you go. Just keep walking, keep moving, keep eating right, keep thinking right, keep your eyes, heart and mind on Me. I am the Motrin to see you through the pain. I love you and am so very proud of you. Do it slow, but keep aligning your life with My will and I will do more than help you function, I will strengthen your life to be the crown jewel I see in you." Thank you Father.