From Unforgiveness to Peace

     It's been a while since I last posted...a couple weeks. They have been difficult weeks. A dear friend and coworker (I've known her for over 16 years, and at one time we shared a duplex together) was fired by my boss.

     Also,my oldest sister Darlene, who is diabetic, on dialysis, and has had open heart surgery and now wears a pacemaker, now lives in a nursing home and she has gangrene in her foot. She's facing an amputation of her leg from below the knee. She's not accepted Jesus as her Savior and it's possible she may not live through the surgery which is scheduled September 4th.

                                         It has been a couple of very difficult weeks.

     After my friend was fired, I was in shock. I was furious with my boss. I couldn't look at him or even speak to him for fear of lashing out. I was so hurt. I told another coworker it felt like someone I loved dearly had been killed, my boss was the murderer and I had to continue to still work with him. All I wanted to do was quit and walk away from that job.

     The only thing that kept me there was the sure knowledge that I've know with each job I've ever had since beginning my journey of liveliving with my Savior...the Lord got me the job for a reason and until He opened the door to another job, I was responsible to walk in obedience to stay there until He said, "Go," no matter how I "felt". 

     And there's the issue of forgiveness. IMPOSSIBLE to do when my feelings were so raw. But, boy, oh boy, did I pray for relief. He's taught me that forgiveness isn't about how you "feel", it's all about surrendering the pain of betrayal to Him, confessing to Him how I felt, and from my heart speaking the words, "I forgive him." And then trusting God to change how I felt. I knew that until I did that, the "feelings", the pain, would remain. I have forgiven him and am trusting God with the feelings, day by day. 

    The Monday after she was fired (on Friday, at the end of the day), I was called into my bosses boss' office, the Underwriting Supervisor and Manager. They told me that they had decided  that I was going to go full time into Underwriting instead of working in the Claims department. I thought to myself at the time, "hmmm, probably the best way for my Claims Manager to get rid of me without actually firing me," and over the past week I've been slowly transitioning into my new position. The Claims Manager hasn't spoken to me unless he absolutely had to since the firing and I thought that if he could fire my friend who had been there 13 years and was a fine claims representative who cared more for her injured workers and insureds that she did about dotting every "i" and crossing every "t" as upper management wanted, then surely because of our friendship he would be able to find a way to fire me as well. I thought he was watching me like a hawk in order to find a way to accuse me of insubordination, write me up and fire me too.

     It's been a couple days in the new position. I like it, it's like a new job with most of  people I really like, but in the same place. And the Lord is showing me a new perspective of how it all went down. He's reminded me that I am His and that He will take care of me as I continue to trust Him. Maybe, just maybe, my friend getting fired was under God's controlling hand, not theirs, and He has something better for her.  Maybe, just maybe, their "decision" to move me into the new position was under His control, not theirs. My God is my Father, and when one of His children is harmed, He will make a new way for them. He will comfort them and sustain them as only He can. I (and my friend) just need to fully rest, fully trust, Him. Let them think whatever they want about the control they have over me; I know Who's in control. And for that I can, I will, praise Him.That knowledge gives me hope, gives me victory, gives me peace and an renewed and revived spirit of LIFE.

The Key to Victorious Live Living-my Valley of Beracah

  Remember the blog a couple days ago (All things are possible) where I prayed for God to show me how to get the weight off? Well, you're going to think this crazy but I believe and have confirmation that  He's shown me. It's going to take a little explanation, but bear with me. Two vital aspects of this journey to liveliving in Him is to #1-do it His way only, not the world's and #2-to successfully set
the example for others who, like me, financially can't afford to do it the world's way.

In order to explain I must briefly go back 35 years. I started smoking when I was 13 and continued smoking until I was 21. I was married then, had a 18 month old little boy and was working my first real job as a waitress in a truck stop. A rare event happened to change my life in that truck stop. A Christian truck driver by the name of Elvin Hess out of Pennsylvania walked through the doors and I noticed that he would speak to various truckers about his faith. This intrigued me and we began a brief but life-changing relationship. He re-introduced me to Jesus. I had been a Christian for many years, but had strayed away from my faith and working in a truck stop did not encourage that kind of life style. In the process of being re-acquainted with Jesus the Lord tell me, "Daughter, you can't serve me and smoke."

Knowing that in order to honor my Lord I had to quit smoking, I told Him, "Okay, Father, if you want me to quit smoking, you're going to have to do it through me, because I can't do it on my own." That was all He needed, and I soon discovered that each time I wanted a cigarette the Holy Spirit would bring to my mind songs that I had learned as a little girl in Sunday School. Each time I wanted a cigarette, (especially driving the 20 miles to and from work that was very strong), I would sing all the louder. Thankfully, the only one to hear me was Jesus! That worked. I've been smoke free for 35+ years now and I give Him all the praise for it.

Forward 35 years. This morning I was reading in 2 Chronicles 20, verses 9 through 29. I'm going to write the parts of the verses that specifically spoke to me.
Verse 9 says "If calamity comes upon us...we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress and you will hear us and save us.
Verse 12b - "...for we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."
Verse 14-15: "The the Spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel...as he stood in the assembly. He said, "Listen...This is what the Lord says to you: Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.
Verse 17 - "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions, stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out to face them...and the Lord will be with you."
Verse 22 - "...they began to sing and praise and the Lord set ambushes against (their enemies)...and they were defeated."
Verse 26b - "This is why it is called the valley of Beracah to this day." (Beracah means "praise".

Joyce Meyer's devotional for today said, "In God's economy, standing still in faith is action. They simply stood still, waiting on God & He miraculously delivered them. Waiting on God brings strength and you'll hear His voice, receive answers, get direction & gain strength to obey what he speaks to you."
   
This was confirmation #1.

Then the Spirit took me to Psalm 41:11. One version says, "I know that You are pleased with me, for my enemies do not triumph over me." Joel Osteen said, "The favor of God keeps my enemies from defeating me. When you walk in God's favor, honoring Him with your life, knowing who you are and Whose you are, you can't be defeated."

That was confirmation #2.

Doubting that He was using these Old Testament verses to truly speak to me (I didn't want to just use them to justify my own desires), I asked Him to give me a verse from the New Testament and He  planted Matthew 22:31b and 32 in my mind. (Boy, did I feel chastised.) "...have you not read what God said to you, "I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob"? He is not the God of the dead, but of the living."  What this said to me was that He is not the God of the defeated, but of the victorious!

"Daughter, remember when I told you when you were smoking, "You can't serve Me and smoke"?
Yes, Father.
"And you didn't know it then, but you did the same thing the Israelites did when facing a vast army. You sang praises to Me every time you wanted a cigarette. That was over 35 years ago. It holds true today. When you crave those foods that you know won't help you lose weight, stop, stand still and sing praises to Me and I will defeat your enemies (cravings)."

Can it be that simple Father?

"Well, it worked for the Israelites, it worked for you 35 years ago and it will work for you now. I will deliver you."

Confirmation #3.

And to top it all off He led me to the Verse of the Day on my cell phone. Deuteronomy 7:9 (NIRV). "So I want you to realize that the Lord your God is God. He is the faithful God. He keeps His covenant (promise) for all time to come (a thousand generations). He keeps it with those who love  Him and obey His commands. He shows them His love."

Finally, I read Deuteronomy 7, 7-8, 12 & 14: "The Lord did not set His affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath He swore (covenant promise) to your forefathers that He brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt" (your past failures). If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them...He will love you and bless you and increase you.  You will be blessed more than any other people."

I know this is longer than most posts, but crucial to understand what He's told me to do: stand still when facing the temptations to fail and overeat, and sing Him praises each time I want to eat whatever won't bring victory and weight loss. It's that simple, it's that pure, it's that God-led. In Jesus' name, today, obedience begins.

With God ALL Things are Possible

Bear with me here. I'm not whining or getting depressed, but seeking truth. My prayer yesterday: "Father we, you, me, your angels and the prayers of my friends, walked the 5K race on Saturday and I honor you through the pain of the blister and Achilles tendon strain. May my pain be your gain. But Father, everything I read tells me, especially as a diabetic, how impossible it is to lose weight, that 90% regain the weight and fail in their attempt at weight loss. I'm grateful that, even at over 100 lbs over the weight I should be, I could do a 5k. Thank you. Now I desire to stand on your word for the weight loss. Your Word says in Luke 1:37-"For with God nothing will be impossible." and in Matthew 19:26-"Jesus said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." and in Mark 9:23-"All things are possible to him who believes." I don't want to follow man's way, but yours." "My desire is to have my body, your temple, fit for your kingdom work. So, okay Father, I'm standing on your Word of truth. in Psalms 121 your Word tells me that You watch over my every step, you won't let me fail, you will keep me from all harm, and in Psalm 120, you will answer me when I call on you in my distress. So in accordance to your Word Father, I am asking you, show me, tell me, train me how to get this weight off my body." "You gave me victory with the 5K. Exercise is now part of my daily life and I praise you for that. In this new phase of my journey I'm turning this body over to you completely. You gave me exercise cheers to keep me on track in preparation for the 5K, and they were just what I needed. I know you want to bring me victory in every area of my life because that will bring honor and glory to you. You started me on this journey to liveliving. I lift my hands to you O God; my body is entrusted into your care. Speak O Lord. I'm ready to listen."

De-feet Agony

I was going to title this blog, "Agony of De-feet" but that didn't seem very positive for the tremendous experience I had this past Saturday in Fort Dodge, Iowa, at the Hy-Vee Half Marathon & 5K race for Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. I even have photos to show you, but that'll have to wait until tomorrow when I can figure out how to upload them. I knew I was in a little bit of trouble when on Friday I wore a sock with a small hole near the heal and 46 minutes into my walk on the treadmill I felt some irritation. Sure enough, by the time I showered I had a nickel-sized blister there. Okay, fine, I could handle this. Went and bought a bilster bandaid and during the race it was not problem at all. It was when I went to take it off after the race and the bandaid pulled most of the skin off the blister that the uh-oh came. Remarkably, when we arrived the temp was only 38 degrees. Thankfully, when the race started at 9:30 AM it was up to a balmy 50, which was good, and even though the race started on on asphalt, it didn't stay on asphalt. It turned into rock, then grass, then down hills (ouch on the left knee) and up hills and as there had been snow there the week before they had put sawdust over the areas of water run off and muddy areas. Most walked around the mud if they could but that was uneven terrain and was quite a challenge to the ankles. Still, I kept on, not even stopping for breath, and seemed to grow stronger going up the hills than I was on level areas. At several points there were sitting benches and one in particular stood out to me. On the back rest the donator had written "Enjoy life". What an encouragement for me and a confirmation that I was surely where the Lord wanted me that day. It was not an easy 3.1 miles. Although the blister didn't bother me, the uneven terrain played havoc on my right achilles tendon. I was so into forging ahead that I didn't even realize it until I reached the end of the race. The race was exhilarating! Remember the cheer the Lord gave me Friday? "You're not alone. My angels are beside you on your right, on your left, they're cheering you on!" Throughout the race I repeated that cheer and truly did feel His power fill me and surround me, knowing that many were praying for me. After the 2 mile mark I heard one of the 3 ladies behind me say, "So how long is a 5K anyway? Two, two and a half miles?" Chuckling I hollered back, with conviction, "3 point 1 miles!" "Oh," she said, and there was silence for a while. LOL. But I knew I was making it to the finish line! My arms lifted to heaven shortly after and I heard her say, "Look, she's raising her arms in victory." I smiled. Truly I was defeating all the agony, the fear, the defeatist attitudes of the past, and all the honor goes to my Lord. That last hill was a doozy though. I had just crossed a foot bridge and looking up I saw my husband waiting for me. I was almost there. I was reminded of the last part of another cheer, "See them ahead? They're cheering you on, All glory to God, the race has been won!" And those at the end of the race were cheering me on for that was a steep hill to climb. I felt His power through the prayers of my friends and was renewed with energy go forcefully tredge up that hill. Falling into my husband's outstretched arms I laughed, I cried, I shouted, "Thank you Jesus!" 56 minutes at that point, a couple minutes later I crossed the official finish line. Whew! What a rush! Arms uplifted, I continue to defeat past agonies and still I can smile. Back at it early this morning in the gym, but not on the treadmill for a couple days. To allow my right ankle to recover I did 20 minutes on the exercise bike. Lord willing another 5K in June or July and then again for the Breast Cancer walk/run in September. Lord lead the way.

Jehovah Nissi-The Lord brings Victory

The biblical reference to the title of this post is found in Ezekiel 17:15 where God has directed the Israelites to fight the Amalekites and has instructed Moses to stand on a hill overlooking the battle so his people could see him and as long as he held up his arms with the staff of the Lord then the Israelites would have victory in the battle. When his arms were down they would be losing the battle. At one point Moses got tired and put his arms down. Aaron and another leader saw this and brought him a rock to sit on and helped to hold his arms up. That's a spiritual application within itself, but Moses chose to call this place, "Jehovah Nissi", The Lord is my Banner or the Lord brings Victory. I never really understood the phrase "The Lord is my Banner" until my visit to the doctor's office last week. Interesting that He has been telling me, when I'm walking on the treadmill and getting weak and tired and want to stop or quit, to lift my arms to Him and give Him praise. At the time I could hardly breathe and walk, let alone lift my arms, but I did it at his direction. I thought He was just trying to encourage me to keep my focus on Him, and in part I believe He was. But when I read the story of God's instructions to Moses in lifting his arms in the midst of the battle that God had brought him and his people to, the lifting of my own arms took on a whole new meaning. The victory came by God's own hand when I kept my eyes on Jesus, lifted my arms when I was weak and trusted in His unseen work within my body. And greater still was the victory in this current battle when I remembered the verse 1 Samuel 16:7, "But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I know this is probably a duh statement, but when I actually stopped and looked at the evidence and truly thought about it, God is bringing about a greater victory of health, healing and live living within me from the inside out. How amazing is that?! I was bothered that neither I nor others could physically "see" the changes happening to me...until I got the A1C results at the doctor's office and realized what a remarkable victory he is bringing about. He has brought me to this battle with weight loss, diabetes, high cholesterol and blood pressure and is changing my physical body from the inside out, not from the outside in. He's changing my mental/emotional body through that same victory and strengthening my spiritual body by my daily walk with Him and seeing Him work within me. Kinda blows my mind when I stop and truly think about how He is working within me. All He asks me to do is believe He is at work, whether I see it or not, to keep my arms lifted to Him in the midst of this battle and trust that He will bring me all the help I need to gain the victory. His banner, His victory is awesome to behold! He brings to my mind Song of Solomon 2:4 (AMP version) " He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love [for love waved as a protecting and comforting banner over my head when I was near him]." His victory banner is waving all over me, protecting, comforting me and bringing me victory and Him all the honor and glory due Him. Whew! What a RUSH!

Working out is Working OUT!

The 5K is just a little over a week away, so I thought it would be a good idea to go for my quarterly diabetic check-up at my doctor's office (I'm late by about 2 1/2 months). The appointment was made for a couple days ago and obediently I drove to the office. When going to this type of appointment the first thing they do, after the weigh in, is take blood from your finger for a test called an A1C. If you don't know, this test determines your blood glucose levels over the previous 3 months. It's a pretty big deal to a diabetic. A1C levels are determined thusly: Daily blood glucose # 4-6% = considered non-diabetic 68-126 .1-7% = considered in control 127-155 7.1-8.4% = monitor closely 156-195 8.5-10.4% = elevated levels 196-252 10.5 % or higher = seriously elevated levels 253 or higher The higher the number/level the more one is prone to a stroke or death, so monitoring these "numbers" is crucial, not to mention a very good idea. The last time I had my A1C level checked was in October 2014 and it was at 8.6. This time, on March 31st, 2015 my A1C level was...wait...wait...hold your breath...it's coming...it's coming... 5.6 Woo HOO!!! Dance of Joy!!! Woo Hoo!!! Do the fist bump in the air!!!!!! The doctor also told me that my blood pressure was 98 over 56 and I could decrease one of my bp meds by half. The goal is to get off the meds completely, but I'll take decreasing a med...for now. When I asked her if I could think about discontinuing the diabetic meds she said she wanted to wait and see how I did at my next check up; that'll be the end of July. One of the reasons I am so excited about this is because since January (this year) I've been on that treadmill 5 days a week and the past 3 weeks I've been able to walk the 5K each Saturday. For me this is a serious work out regime and the "numbers" show that it is truly working and paying off big time. You can't fake those numbers. I've only lost 5 lbs since then but big whopping deal! My body is getting healthy! My cholesterol numbers are way down as well; not below 200 (normal) but 213. All these numbers will decrease as I continue to eat healthy, exercise and keep walking with my Lord. It's working! Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus!!!

Look Up, Look Out!

Well, for the second Saturday in a row I walked a 5K on the treadmill. Last week my speed was 3.2 mph in 59 minutes, and today was at 3.3 mph, and I walked it in 56 minutes. That may not seem like much to a seasoned runner or 5K, 10K or even marathon regular, but for someone who is 100 lbs overweight, diabetic and has high blood pressure, that's pretty dog gone good! And I am quite proud of my efforts. Am even more pleased that the Lord is right there with me, encouraging me with exercise cheers, songs and as my heavenly Trainer, words of truth to step up higher. Today He was disciplining me to stay focused and gave me this cheer: Look up, Look out, Set your eyes on Jesus. Look up, Look out, You're getting fit for Him. Look up, Look out, Walking with my Savior. Look up, Look out, I'm walking to my King. What was interesting was that as I looked ahead and stayed focused I could see that shadow outline of a person (I like to think it was Jesus). If my mind drifted to negative thoughts (sent by the enemy) or trivial distractions, then the image faded. Yet, as I was being disciplined to intently focus on "walking with my Savior," the lower my gaze, the wider the image became, and when I raised my eyes higher it got more slender. I liked that! LOL I know it sounds silly and to some it might seem just a product of my imagination, but even when I got distracted and the image faded, His Spirit that lives within me reminded me of that poem, "Footprints in the Sand". Even when I didn't see him, "it was then that I carried you," and I was comforted and empowered to keep on walking. I got to 55 minutes and switched the machine from minutes to miles, looking for that goal of 3.1. When I switched it I saw 3.02 mph, and something within me became giddy with excitement. I was almost to the "finish line." It was even harder to stay focused! My husband was walking beside me on another treadmill and as I reached the 3.1 mile marker I looked at him and we shared a high five! I told him of the cheer above that Jesus gave me and of how thankful I was to the Lord for this victory. Then the joy of the Lord filled me with laughter. I couldn't stop shouting "thank you Jesus!" Walking out of the room to the showers I couldn't not shout His praise! My God is so good to me and I know that I know He is guiding me straight to the victory that lies ahead on April 11th. I know you may be asking about now, "What is the goal for next week?" I pondered that as I waited for the water to heat up in the shower. When I told my supervisor yesterday about what I was doing he said, "You're getting pretty serious about this, aren't you? Before you know it you'll be doing a 10K and then a half marathon and marathon!" I don't know about that, but for next week the Lord and I agree, 3.4 mph is my goal. Jogging? Running? Well, as He takes the weight off that may be another challenge to overcome. The knees won't tolerate that with all this excess weight, but I'm optimistic. In Jesus' name I agree with His word that tells me, "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength!"

Live In Victory Every day!

Today is set aside for me to exercise in God's word. He's led me to Isaiah 40: 28-29, which reads: "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." I don't ask why, Father, but I do want to ask what is your purpose for this burning inside me to lose weight and be fit? I've been at this now so sincerely since the first of January 2015 and haven't lost a pound. What's your purpose? It's just you and me right now Father. Am I totally off track? Wasting all this effort for nothing? His response: "Daughter, you have it, you have the answer you seek there on your computer's screen saver. My purpose for you is to "Live so others Win!" Live so others see Me, come to Me and win. Win eternal life, yes, but as you're learning, there's so much more to a relationship with Me than life in eternity. Really look at the word 'live'. You like to do this but see it this way, "Live In Victory Every day". Starting now, fully, to overflowing, joyful, exciting, fulfilled, rich life! That's what I long to give each one of my children, beginning in their lives immediately. Dump the weight, the baggage, the guilt, the fear, the depression and mistakes of the past on me. Lay them at the foot of my cross and LIVE!" "All that huffing and puffing you're doing as you walk on the treadmill? That's a metaphor for the "weight" that is holding you back from fully walking with me. Give it to me, remember? My yoke is easy and my burden is light." At this point I thought, "Where is that verse?" and went to look it up. It's in Matthew 11:28-30. Oh, my dear God! When I read it in The Message version it said this: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced, rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." WOW. WOW.