From Unforgiveness to Peace

     It's been a while since I last posted...a couple weeks. They have been difficult weeks. A dear friend and coworker (I've known her for over 16 years, and at one time we shared a duplex together) was fired by my boss.

     Also,my oldest sister Darlene, who is diabetic, on dialysis, and has had open heart surgery and now wears a pacemaker, now lives in a nursing home and she has gangrene in her foot. She's facing an amputation of her leg from below the knee. She's not accepted Jesus as her Savior and it's possible she may not live through the surgery which is scheduled September 4th.

                                         It has been a couple of very difficult weeks.

     After my friend was fired, I was in shock. I was furious with my boss. I couldn't look at him or even speak to him for fear of lashing out. I was so hurt. I told another coworker it felt like someone I loved dearly had been killed, my boss was the murderer and I had to continue to still work with him. All I wanted to do was quit and walk away from that job.

     The only thing that kept me there was the sure knowledge that I've know with each job I've ever had since beginning my journey of liveliving with my Savior...the Lord got me the job for a reason and until He opened the door to another job, I was responsible to walk in obedience to stay there until He said, "Go," no matter how I "felt". 

     And there's the issue of forgiveness. IMPOSSIBLE to do when my feelings were so raw. But, boy, oh boy, did I pray for relief. He's taught me that forgiveness isn't about how you "feel", it's all about surrendering the pain of betrayal to Him, confessing to Him how I felt, and from my heart speaking the words, "I forgive him." And then trusting God to change how I felt. I knew that until I did that, the "feelings", the pain, would remain. I have forgiven him and am trusting God with the feelings, day by day. 

    The Monday after she was fired (on Friday, at the end of the day), I was called into my bosses boss' office, the Underwriting Supervisor and Manager. They told me that they had decided  that I was going to go full time into Underwriting instead of working in the Claims department. I thought to myself at the time, "hmmm, probably the best way for my Claims Manager to get rid of me without actually firing me," and over the past week I've been slowly transitioning into my new position. The Claims Manager hasn't spoken to me unless he absolutely had to since the firing and I thought that if he could fire my friend who had been there 13 years and was a fine claims representative who cared more for her injured workers and insureds that she did about dotting every "i" and crossing every "t" as upper management wanted, then surely because of our friendship he would be able to find a way to fire me as well. I thought he was watching me like a hawk in order to find a way to accuse me of insubordination, write me up and fire me too.

     It's been a couple days in the new position. I like it, it's like a new job with most of  people I really like, but in the same place. And the Lord is showing me a new perspective of how it all went down. He's reminded me that I am His and that He will take care of me as I continue to trust Him. Maybe, just maybe, my friend getting fired was under God's controlling hand, not theirs, and He has something better for her.  Maybe, just maybe, their "decision" to move me into the new position was under His control, not theirs. My God is my Father, and when one of His children is harmed, He will make a new way for them. He will comfort them and sustain them as only He can. I (and my friend) just need to fully rest, fully trust, Him. Let them think whatever they want about the control they have over me; I know Who's in control. And for that I can, I will, praise Him.That knowledge gives me hope, gives me victory, gives me peace and an renewed and revived spirit of LIFE.

He Hears my Pain

In light of yesterday's post, "Stones vs. Peace" I want to share what my Heavenly Trainer is right now teaching me as He reveals more of just Who He is to me. Yes, the past several days have been really sucky, but I can still go to Him with it. He is so faithful that even when I screw up, even when I fail, even when I don't "produce" the fruit of righteousness that we're all taught we're to produce (tho for the life of me I haven't figured out how to do on my own! "Ta-daa, daughter, you can't do it on your own!"), even when I'm not glowing with perfection, He is there for me. He tells me in Ephesians 3:12 that "In Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and confidence." WOW! He's teaching me, even this week, about perseverance, endurance, and HOPE by sending me to Romans 15: 4-6. That "hope", that truth-filled surety that only comes as He plants His truth in my heart through His living word and He reveals His heart to me. That hope, that solid, concrete evidence of His Truth, is unfolding like a rare flower in a field of my life's weeds and it's alive with His beauty, His resolve, His love. I am so filled with thankfulness this morning that I find it difficult to express how excited and yet humbled I am whenever He reveals His heart to me. As I open His Word His Spirit leads me to The Message version of Romans 5:3-5, which reads-"There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!" Romans 5:3-5 (MSG) Oh, the authenticity of my Father's love and nifty personality! That is what He is doing within me. Yes, I had a melt-down, but the neat part of all that is He understands, and I know deep in my heart, He hears my pain, receives it to Himself and will fill that pain with His love. It's just Who He is. That melt-down drew me more into His heart than I've ever been before. No, I don't "see" any changes outwardly at this point, but inwardly, His peace is filling me and I love Him all the more for that. True change is happening within me and it's all Him. Wow! Thank you Father. Thank you!

Dear God, That HURTS!

Monday morning upon arrival to the gym for my time with the Lord in the pool I read a sign on the pool door that says, "Pool closed for electric shock treatment. Sorry for the inconvenience. The pool will reopen on Monday." Well, it's Monday; granted it's 5:00 AM, but it is Monday. Doesn't matter, I can't get in to the pool. So I say to myself, "That's okay. I'll just shower, dress and head upstairs to exercise in the Word of God." Shower goes fine, towel off and begin to dress. I grab my socks and reach down to put them on and WHAM!!! I knew I had moved wrong, I'd twisted in reaching for my sock and my lower back screams in pain. My voice echoes that pain and frustration. All I want to do is put on my sock, for crying out loud! I shout out, "Dear GOD, THAT HURTS!!!" I took me 20 minutes to put on my socks, then another 5 to slip on my slacks, and still I sit there. I try to get up and there's no support in my legs to do so. It takes me another 10 minutes just to stand. "I don't need this Father. I don't want this!" I realize the misalignment in my back is probably a hold over from dealing with the Achilles tendon strain that has affected my spine's balance. I know that, but Dear GOD, it HURTS. Slowly, I get dressed, do my make up stuff while still sitting, and have to lean against a wall to blow dry my hair. As long as I don't sit down and have to stand again I'm fine, but that's not going to get me anywhere; and as long as I'm walking, carefully, but walking, the pain lessens. It's the rising up and finding my balance on my legs that makes my low back scream. But I can't quit, so I do what I have to do to function through out the day. Grab that Motrin and take it sister! Just keep moving. It's now Tuesday, I've been to the gym and walked slowly on the treadmill for 20 minutes and on the exercise bike for 5, showered, dressed and have made it to work. Quite an accomplishment, but Lord Jesus, I'm frustrated and I hurt. "Daughter, it's the rising up and finding your balance that's the hardest part of your journey to liveliving. Don't quit. I am with you wherever you go. Just keep walking, keep moving, keep eating right, keep thinking right, keep your eyes, heart and mind on Me. I am the Motrin to see you through the pain. I love you and am so very proud of you. Do it slow, but keep aligning your life with My will and I will do more than help you function, I will strengthen your life to be the crown jewel I see in you." Thank you Father.