From Unforgiveness to Peace

     It's been a while since I last posted...a couple weeks. They have been difficult weeks. A dear friend and coworker (I've known her for over 16 years, and at one time we shared a duplex together) was fired by my boss.

     Also,my oldest sister Darlene, who is diabetic, on dialysis, and has had open heart surgery and now wears a pacemaker, now lives in a nursing home and she has gangrene in her foot. She's facing an amputation of her leg from below the knee. She's not accepted Jesus as her Savior and it's possible she may not live through the surgery which is scheduled September 4th.

                                         It has been a couple of very difficult weeks.

     After my friend was fired, I was in shock. I was furious with my boss. I couldn't look at him or even speak to him for fear of lashing out. I was so hurt. I told another coworker it felt like someone I loved dearly had been killed, my boss was the murderer and I had to continue to still work with him. All I wanted to do was quit and walk away from that job.

     The only thing that kept me there was the sure knowledge that I've know with each job I've ever had since beginning my journey of liveliving with my Savior...the Lord got me the job for a reason and until He opened the door to another job, I was responsible to walk in obedience to stay there until He said, "Go," no matter how I "felt". 

     And there's the issue of forgiveness. IMPOSSIBLE to do when my feelings were so raw. But, boy, oh boy, did I pray for relief. He's taught me that forgiveness isn't about how you "feel", it's all about surrendering the pain of betrayal to Him, confessing to Him how I felt, and from my heart speaking the words, "I forgive him." And then trusting God to change how I felt. I knew that until I did that, the "feelings", the pain, would remain. I have forgiven him and am trusting God with the feelings, day by day. 

    The Monday after she was fired (on Friday, at the end of the day), I was called into my bosses boss' office, the Underwriting Supervisor and Manager. They told me that they had decided  that I was going to go full time into Underwriting instead of working in the Claims department. I thought to myself at the time, "hmmm, probably the best way for my Claims Manager to get rid of me without actually firing me," and over the past week I've been slowly transitioning into my new position. The Claims Manager hasn't spoken to me unless he absolutely had to since the firing and I thought that if he could fire my friend who had been there 13 years and was a fine claims representative who cared more for her injured workers and insureds that she did about dotting every "i" and crossing every "t" as upper management wanted, then surely because of our friendship he would be able to find a way to fire me as well. I thought he was watching me like a hawk in order to find a way to accuse me of insubordination, write me up and fire me too.

     It's been a couple days in the new position. I like it, it's like a new job with most of  people I really like, but in the same place. And the Lord is showing me a new perspective of how it all went down. He's reminded me that I am His and that He will take care of me as I continue to trust Him. Maybe, just maybe, my friend getting fired was under God's controlling hand, not theirs, and He has something better for her.  Maybe, just maybe, their "decision" to move me into the new position was under His control, not theirs. My God is my Father, and when one of His children is harmed, He will make a new way for them. He will comfort them and sustain them as only He can. I (and my friend) just need to fully rest, fully trust, Him. Let them think whatever they want about the control they have over me; I know Who's in control. And for that I can, I will, praise Him.That knowledge gives me hope, gives me victory, gives me peace and an renewed and revived spirit of LIFE.

Loyalty

Well, I did it. This past Monday I went to a reputable tattoo shop and memorialized my friend Mary with a tattoo on my lower left leg above the ankle bone. She was 75 when she died in April of this year, almost 20 years my senior, but she and I formed a bond when I first started attending her church almost 20 years ago. Our pastor at the time came to call us the M&M girls (she being Mary and me being Marilyn). She liked that and every now and then she reminded me and new pastors of our bond. So that's what I got put on my leg, A brown M&M girls and purple M&M girl. The brown has wings and we both have glasses. That's just who we were. We cried together, laughed together, prayed over our children and any issues at hand together. Still we both lived our separate lives. She, devoted to her family and relationship with Christ and I with mine. I got upset with her from time to time and commiserated with her daughter over it, but Mary was always faithfully loyal. She loved me no matter how I expressed myself. She saw Christ in me even when I was at my worst, and showed me by her actions that He truly lived in me. She never showed anger towards me, even though she maybe should have. She never yelled at me, even though she should have. Mary just loved.

 After receiving the tattoo I pondered why I did it. I have family members who I love with all my heart, yet I didn't get a tattoo for them. What is it that drove me to mutilate my body so in honor of a friendship? I have a second tat on my right inner forearm, that I got in 2011, of a butterfly in honor of my friend Etta and the LiveLiving organization she founded. Again, not a blood family member. So it bears the need to understand why. 

 On this journey the Lord has me following I've come to see myself more fully every time I turn around, and the word that comes to my heart and describes the why to me is loyalty. That word has fallen out of prominence in the past several years to almost total extinction. Except for, of course, when you see movies depicting medieval times where for example, Braveheart died for love and loyalty to his king and kingdom. Thousands gave their lives for their emperors, kings or rulers out of loyalty. The disciples and thousands of believers died horrible deaths for loyalty to their King, Jesus. 

     
So, what is it about loyalty so strikes a cord in my heart that I would immortalize someone forever on my body? I looked the word up. Loyalty is defined as: to be faithful, reliable, stable, firmly established, securely determined, committed, belief, conviction, steadfastness.  In fact, loyalty and faith appear to be two sides of the same coin. The Strong's Concordance defines faith as the conviction of the truthfulness of God. Loyalty is to be faithful, trust and stand firm in your belief.

    
 It is hard to find a loyal friend, one who has your back come what may, who believes in you no matter what, who faithfully supports you and is determined to see the best within you, the Jesus within you, if you will. Years may pass without contact, but when you meet up again it is like time has stood still and the relationship is rekindled anew. 

It's also difficult to find loyalty in the workplace. Coworkers that you can rely on to cover you when you make a mistake are few and far between. When you find them, stay with them. When you have an employer that supports, encourages, and sees the best in you, urging you on to bigger and better things, don't lose track of that jewel. 

Loyalty to others and their loyalty to me is becoming increasingly more important to me the older I get and the more I discover who Jesus created me to be. I will stand next to and support a friend/coworker who does the same for me, come what may. That's loyalty. When I encounter someone deserving of loyalty they receive it wholeheartedly. Of that, I am secure, I am steadfast. I make no apologies for it. I just need to represent that loyalty in a way that also honors my Lord and I'm working on that. It's very easy to become angry in support of my friend, but that anger doesn't honor Jesus. Loyalty to Him is #1. Loyalty to a friend must flow out of that loyalty to Jesus. I remain on the journey path to fully live living.

Every day Struggles

     It's been an interesting week, mentally; not necessarily a "good" interesting, but more of a "spiritually challenging" interesting. Work is as stressful as ever and every day, as the frustration builds, I find myself wanting to talk with someone about the frustration, "just to vent". That would be fine if I were drawn to another believer who would give me the Lord's perspective, correct my wrong thinking and pray with me. However, I haven't been drawn to another believer. I'm more drawn to one individual at work who isn't a believer. This person is charismatic, fun, intelligent and has many of the same frustrations as I do. They make me laugh and my self-indulgent side is drawn to them like a moth to flame. In my many attempts so show them Jesus in me I find my fleshly side sneaking out and wanting to display many of their own unbelieving characteristics. Every time I've been pulled mentally to go "share" with them, to get comfort from them, I hear His still quiet voice say to me, "No". "No, daughter, don't. Come to Me. Bring all your frustrations and struggles to Me. Trust Me with it all and know that I will calm you, give you peace and take care of the problems." I have found myself literally crying out to my God, "Help me, Jesus. Help me, Jesus," or at my weakest points just saying His name, "Jesus." Still I'm tempted. Not to eat what I shouldn't, but more to "eat" what my flesh craves instead of spiritual food.  It would probably be here where I state that I overcame the temptations and reigned victorious by speaking God's Word to myself, but I must admit, all I could do was bow my head and speak His name.  This journey to liveliving is not always victorious. Forgive me, but there are times it is damn hard. Satan, in his insipid way hisses in my ear, "Go on. Talk to that person, vent, gripe, murmur, complain, talk badly about others at your job. Go on, they'll understand. They know you better than you do. They won't look down on you. Of course, they won't come to know Jesus, but who cares? You need them. Go onnn!"
    I know I need to surround myself with other believers who can hear my heart's cry, understand and help me refocus on my Lord, but their number isn't on my phone's speed dial. It's not that Jesus isn't strong enough to give me victory without them, I know that He is. But sometimes the addiction to self-indulge, whether that be eating, thinking, or just my general daily walk in life, does it's best to overtake me and all I can do is cry out His name.
   I will say that I didn't do what Satan tempted me to do and in that, there is victory, but I feel like I somehow let Jesus down. Like I should have had a more Life-affirming attitude. I should have been stronger in my faith and let my praise of Jesus raise me to Him. Still, I did hear His voice. I did obey His instructions. I did lean on Jesus and not Satan. I didn't lose my testimony to that individual I've been trying to show Jesus. He showed me that I CAN do all things, even the overwhelming duties I've been instructed to do, through Him, and He is strengthening me. I know that I know, when He is ready, and He knows I am ready, He will move me on to a job I flourish in, a job where the gifts He's given me will blossom from a faith that is strong and overcoming. So thank you Father. Thank you for being with me this past week and in the weeks to come. Thank you for your strength and still calm voice that speaks to me in my weakest moments as well as in my strongest moments. I give you praise for showing me You are ever present with me, even when I'm weakest.