The Missing Sock

So walk with me here.

I got up and went to gym yesterday morning and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Showered, dressed and went to work. Talked with my friend April who comes to the locker room to shower and dress after her workout elsewhere. She's a chatterbox to the max but a really sweet and uplifting gal.

This morning I had set my alarm for 5:30 instead of 4:30 and at 5:33 my phone goes off, "Hey beautiful, you have a text message" and it's from April with a selfie of her in a dark car with the caption "I don't think it's Thursday, your day off? I'm not seeing your car?"

I texted back, "Nope. Just woke up. Be there tomorrow. Sorry."

She responded, " Don't be sorry! Look how long my sabbatical was. Jeremy (her husband)  said last night, "So you got a workout in yesterday ad your key still works to Koko?  (workout gym) I said, Yeah, I know. Crazy huh? And then I just laughed. I told him I've turned a new leaf and even my boss said when he walked in, "I didn't expect to see your bright and shiny face." I told him the same thing! I've turned over a new leaf.

To which I responded, (just being real), " The mountain in front of me is so bit it makes me feel like my efforts are a waste. What's 30 minutes of walking going to do? The battle is fierce mentally. I know my God is bigger than any mountain, but I'm not. Well, maybe physically I'm bigger (small derisive chuckle).

She responded: "Marilyn, you have come so far from where you started. DO you recall the day you came down to my office to tell me that you no longer had to take a certain medication? If you stop now about 30 minutes could mean a lot! Why do you think I sent you a picture message this morning? Because we both need to get back on track! I wish I had my trainer Scott keeping me accountable after I had injured my back. So I wouldn't have put 50 lbs. of the 100 I lost back on. If I don't get my s**** together my stretchy clothes aren't going to fit." Go Team Marilyn & April! Ra Ra Cheer Cheer, they can do it! Yes, they can. If they can't do it no one can!

I thought about it for some time and proceeded to get dressed. And then the Holy Spirit whispered into my spirit. Here's what I texted her:

"I know this sounds corny, but I'm sitting here getting dressed and looking for my socks. Can't see one of them. I pick up my shoes, look in shoes, look under shoes and all around, and just don't see it. I do all the normal things to locate what's missing. Nothing. Can't find that stupid sock anywhere. So I stand up to go find a new sock in my dresser and turn around to look where I'd been sitting and on the floor, under the edge of my bed…there's my other sock, right under where I'd been sitting. The Holy Spirit whispered, "You just need to look at the problem from another angle and you'll find what you're looking for. It was there all the time."

I had been thinking that here I want to be an example to others, to show them God working in my life and failure just keeps hounding me. But His Spirit was louder than failure this morning, even in a whisper. He is so very "present". In and through April, in and through you, in my every day life, searching for a sock! I just need to trust Him, keep fighting and determine in my spirit  to honor Him in EVERY aspect of my life, even when I don't see results. He is at work.

Believe This!

 

 I've had weight loss struggles for most of my life and started this journey to Liveliving in 2009. After battling weight loss for so long I had a strong gut desire to lose weight under God's leading and not by worldly, well meaning weight loss programs or gastric bypass or any number of other plans put forth by well meaning, sincere proponents of weight loss who gladly took my money and gave me very little in return. I'd tried that and got literally nowhere. Been there, done that. So I prayed and went on line searching for a Christian program that would show my through God's Word how to become healthy spiritually, mentally and physically. Surely there was SOMETHING or SOMEONE out there who shared and understood my desire to get my direction on how to lose weight successfully from the Lord. After all, God created me, surely He had instructed someone out there who had a way for me to be led through His Word to a healthier me.
     It took some searching but I did find one new site which seemed to be offering all that I was looking for, www.LiveLiving.org. I contacted Etta Dale (now Hornsteiner) on her website; she responded by email and said they had been preparing a bible study on Health and Wellness, but it was online only at this time. That didn't work for me. I wanted something in my hand that I could learn from, share with others in a study setting and then share with others in a greater way.
     Little did I know when I put forth the prayer to God requesting He guide me in losing weight, that He would take my request and transform my whole life. My vision was to become a size 12 again and brag to others about how God led me through His Word to my weight loss goal. Oh, how small minded and limited was my sight.
     It's been, now, going on 6+ years and although I've lost some physical weight (certainly not the 100+ pounds I wanted),  have learned to eat healthier (although I do lapse now and again) and have witnessed deeper insight to my heavenly Trainer, He is showing me that my initial prayer was only a grain of sand on the beach of my transformation journey to fully live living. I thought He would wave His magic hand over my body and I would be thin within a year's time. Humph,  I actually thought giving Him a year was quite gracious on my part. It didn't happen in a year, and in my eyes it appeared it would never happen. After all, it's been over 5 years and I'm still "fat" in my eyes and have failed time and time again. However, what I'm learning is that in order for Him to show me the jewel He's created me to be He had to start at the very beginning of my inner life and expose those issues He desired to not only heal and erase, but transform. I have a lot of inner scabs and He desires wholeness within me so His authentic life within me can be witnessed by others.
     When my heart is open to Him (and sometimes I still try to shield parts of me from Him), but when it is open, He imparts precious aha moments to me at the most ingenious times. Just this morning I attended a Beth Moore simulcast entitled "Audacious". Within the first 15 minutes of the worship time I was particularly struck by the women on the screen who were singing praises to their God. At first I was puzzled as to why He wanted me to take a good look at them. What I saw was that they weren't a perfect size 6 with perfect teeth, make-up and "Stepford Wives" Christian-ese language. Not one of them was a size 6 or even a size 12! One woman was quite large with a quite largely beautiful voice and she didn't seem to mind that others would see her size 26+ body. Nope, she was just focused on singing praises to her God. They ALL, with great boldness and sincerity authentically bared their hearts to, not only God, but to the 8,000+ women in the Wichita, Kansas stadium and the thousands upon thousands of women (and a few men) across the 50 United States of America and 19 countries who were watching the simulcast. They were beautiful and I wanted to be just like them!
     And do you know what my heavenly Trainer said to me? He said, "Daughter, I've told you in my Word, and am telling you now this truth. By the way, see how they praise Me? I love that! Don't you know by now, I don't focus on what size you are outwardly. It's not about the outside appearance. It's about the inner you that I care about. It's about your heart. I love your heart!  Get and be physically, mentally and spiritually healthy. I will take care of the rest. All that's not of Me I will wipe away. You asked me to become healthy spiritually, mentally and physically. I'm doing that NOW. I'm answering your heart's cry, your prayer, NOW. My desire is that you celebrate who I have created you to be. You know who she is, I've shown you. Celebrate the awesomeness of Me in you! Let Me fully live through you. You keep in My Word and keep your eyes on Me, not your circumstances and failures. Look upon and trust Me."
     "Daughter, shake off what to you seems like steel chains and is bondage. To Me those chains are like paper. See them as I see them. By the power of My Son who lives in you...PRAISE!! All those things of your past that held you down, all the lies you've listened to (and believed)  about your worth and whether you'd be accepted by those you love, all the times you sabotaged your progress in being healthy because you felt you weren't good enough and deserved to fail, they are nothing in My presence. Celebrate that truth. The truth is that you truly are precious in My sight, you were fearfully and wonderfully made, I DO have plans for your life, you were created to show others that feel just like you do that My Word is true and that I love you and I love each one of them with a love that will never die. Your shame is undone in My presence. BELIEVE THIS!"

From Unforgiveness to Peace

     It's been a while since I last posted...a couple weeks. They have been difficult weeks. A dear friend and coworker (I've known her for over 16 years, and at one time we shared a duplex together) was fired by my boss.

     Also,my oldest sister Darlene, who is diabetic, on dialysis, and has had open heart surgery and now wears a pacemaker, now lives in a nursing home and she has gangrene in her foot. She's facing an amputation of her leg from below the knee. She's not accepted Jesus as her Savior and it's possible she may not live through the surgery which is scheduled September 4th.

                                         It has been a couple of very difficult weeks.

     After my friend was fired, I was in shock. I was furious with my boss. I couldn't look at him or even speak to him for fear of lashing out. I was so hurt. I told another coworker it felt like someone I loved dearly had been killed, my boss was the murderer and I had to continue to still work with him. All I wanted to do was quit and walk away from that job.

     The only thing that kept me there was the sure knowledge that I've know with each job I've ever had since beginning my journey of liveliving with my Savior...the Lord got me the job for a reason and until He opened the door to another job, I was responsible to walk in obedience to stay there until He said, "Go," no matter how I "felt". 

     And there's the issue of forgiveness. IMPOSSIBLE to do when my feelings were so raw. But, boy, oh boy, did I pray for relief. He's taught me that forgiveness isn't about how you "feel", it's all about surrendering the pain of betrayal to Him, confessing to Him how I felt, and from my heart speaking the words, "I forgive him." And then trusting God to change how I felt. I knew that until I did that, the "feelings", the pain, would remain. I have forgiven him and am trusting God with the feelings, day by day. 

    The Monday after she was fired (on Friday, at the end of the day), I was called into my bosses boss' office, the Underwriting Supervisor and Manager. They told me that they had decided  that I was going to go full time into Underwriting instead of working in the Claims department. I thought to myself at the time, "hmmm, probably the best way for my Claims Manager to get rid of me without actually firing me," and over the past week I've been slowly transitioning into my new position. The Claims Manager hasn't spoken to me unless he absolutely had to since the firing and I thought that if he could fire my friend who had been there 13 years and was a fine claims representative who cared more for her injured workers and insureds that she did about dotting every "i" and crossing every "t" as upper management wanted, then surely because of our friendship he would be able to find a way to fire me as well. I thought he was watching me like a hawk in order to find a way to accuse me of insubordination, write me up and fire me too.

     It's been a couple days in the new position. I like it, it's like a new job with most of  people I really like, but in the same place. And the Lord is showing me a new perspective of how it all went down. He's reminded me that I am His and that He will take care of me as I continue to trust Him. Maybe, just maybe, my friend getting fired was under God's controlling hand, not theirs, and He has something better for her.  Maybe, just maybe, their "decision" to move me into the new position was under His control, not theirs. My God is my Father, and when one of His children is harmed, He will make a new way for them. He will comfort them and sustain them as only He can. I (and my friend) just need to fully rest, fully trust, Him. Let them think whatever they want about the control they have over me; I know Who's in control. And for that I can, I will, praise Him.That knowledge gives me hope, gives me victory, gives me peace and an renewed and revived spirit of LIFE.

Loyalty

Well, I did it. This past Monday I went to a reputable tattoo shop and memorialized my friend Mary with a tattoo on my lower left leg above the ankle bone. She was 75 when she died in April of this year, almost 20 years my senior, but she and I formed a bond when I first started attending her church almost 20 years ago. Our pastor at the time came to call us the M&M girls (she being Mary and me being Marilyn). She liked that and every now and then she reminded me and new pastors of our bond. So that's what I got put on my leg, A brown M&M girls and purple M&M girl. The brown has wings and we both have glasses. That's just who we were. We cried together, laughed together, prayed over our children and any issues at hand together. Still we both lived our separate lives. She, devoted to her family and relationship with Christ and I with mine. I got upset with her from time to time and commiserated with her daughter over it, but Mary was always faithfully loyal. She loved me no matter how I expressed myself. She saw Christ in me even when I was at my worst, and showed me by her actions that He truly lived in me. She never showed anger towards me, even though she maybe should have. She never yelled at me, even though she should have. Mary just loved.

 After receiving the tattoo I pondered why I did it. I have family members who I love with all my heart, yet I didn't get a tattoo for them. What is it that drove me to mutilate my body so in honor of a friendship? I have a second tat on my right inner forearm, that I got in 2011, of a butterfly in honor of my friend Etta and the LiveLiving organization she founded. Again, not a blood family member. So it bears the need to understand why. 

 On this journey the Lord has me following I've come to see myself more fully every time I turn around, and the word that comes to my heart and describes the why to me is loyalty. That word has fallen out of prominence in the past several years to almost total extinction. Except for, of course, when you see movies depicting medieval times where for example, Braveheart died for love and loyalty to his king and kingdom. Thousands gave their lives for their emperors, kings or rulers out of loyalty. The disciples and thousands of believers died horrible deaths for loyalty to their King, Jesus. 

     
So, what is it about loyalty so strikes a cord in my heart that I would immortalize someone forever on my body? I looked the word up. Loyalty is defined as: to be faithful, reliable, stable, firmly established, securely determined, committed, belief, conviction, steadfastness.  In fact, loyalty and faith appear to be two sides of the same coin. The Strong's Concordance defines faith as the conviction of the truthfulness of God. Loyalty is to be faithful, trust and stand firm in your belief.

    
 It is hard to find a loyal friend, one who has your back come what may, who believes in you no matter what, who faithfully supports you and is determined to see the best within you, the Jesus within you, if you will. Years may pass without contact, but when you meet up again it is like time has stood still and the relationship is rekindled anew. 

It's also difficult to find loyalty in the workplace. Coworkers that you can rely on to cover you when you make a mistake are few and far between. When you find them, stay with them. When you have an employer that supports, encourages, and sees the best in you, urging you on to bigger and better things, don't lose track of that jewel. 

Loyalty to others and their loyalty to me is becoming increasingly more important to me the older I get and the more I discover who Jesus created me to be. I will stand next to and support a friend/coworker who does the same for me, come what may. That's loyalty. When I encounter someone deserving of loyalty they receive it wholeheartedly. Of that, I am secure, I am steadfast. I make no apologies for it. I just need to represent that loyalty in a way that also honors my Lord and I'm working on that. It's very easy to become angry in support of my friend, but that anger doesn't honor Jesus. Loyalty to Him is #1. Loyalty to a friend must flow out of that loyalty to Jesus. I remain on the journey path to fully live living.

Every day Struggles

     It's been an interesting week, mentally; not necessarily a "good" interesting, but more of a "spiritually challenging" interesting. Work is as stressful as ever and every day, as the frustration builds, I find myself wanting to talk with someone about the frustration, "just to vent". That would be fine if I were drawn to another believer who would give me the Lord's perspective, correct my wrong thinking and pray with me. However, I haven't been drawn to another believer. I'm more drawn to one individual at work who isn't a believer. This person is charismatic, fun, intelligent and has many of the same frustrations as I do. They make me laugh and my self-indulgent side is drawn to them like a moth to flame. In my many attempts so show them Jesus in me I find my fleshly side sneaking out and wanting to display many of their own unbelieving characteristics. Every time I've been pulled mentally to go "share" with them, to get comfort from them, I hear His still quiet voice say to me, "No". "No, daughter, don't. Come to Me. Bring all your frustrations and struggles to Me. Trust Me with it all and know that I will calm you, give you peace and take care of the problems." I have found myself literally crying out to my God, "Help me, Jesus. Help me, Jesus," or at my weakest points just saying His name, "Jesus." Still I'm tempted. Not to eat what I shouldn't, but more to "eat" what my flesh craves instead of spiritual food.  It would probably be here where I state that I overcame the temptations and reigned victorious by speaking God's Word to myself, but I must admit, all I could do was bow my head and speak His name.  This journey to liveliving is not always victorious. Forgive me, but there are times it is damn hard. Satan, in his insipid way hisses in my ear, "Go on. Talk to that person, vent, gripe, murmur, complain, talk badly about others at your job. Go on, they'll understand. They know you better than you do. They won't look down on you. Of course, they won't come to know Jesus, but who cares? You need them. Go onnn!"
    I know I need to surround myself with other believers who can hear my heart's cry, understand and help me refocus on my Lord, but their number isn't on my phone's speed dial. It's not that Jesus isn't strong enough to give me victory without them, I know that He is. But sometimes the addiction to self-indulge, whether that be eating, thinking, or just my general daily walk in life, does it's best to overtake me and all I can do is cry out His name.
   I will say that I didn't do what Satan tempted me to do and in that, there is victory, but I feel like I somehow let Jesus down. Like I should have had a more Life-affirming attitude. I should have been stronger in my faith and let my praise of Jesus raise me to Him. Still, I did hear His voice. I did obey His instructions. I did lean on Jesus and not Satan. I didn't lose my testimony to that individual I've been trying to show Jesus. He showed me that I CAN do all things, even the overwhelming duties I've been instructed to do, through Him, and He is strengthening me. I know that I know, when He is ready, and He knows I am ready, He will move me on to a job I flourish in, a job where the gifts He's given me will blossom from a faith that is strong and overcoming. So thank you Father. Thank you for being with me this past week and in the weeks to come. Thank you for your strength and still calm voice that speaks to me in my weakest moments as well as in my strongest moments. I give you praise for showing me You are ever present with me, even when I'm weakest.

A Bug's Testimony

After my workout yesterday morning I headed to the locker room to shower, change and prepare for work. I stepped into the shower, turned on the water and discovered that the water level on the floor was rising to my ankles. Looking down I saw that the drain was filled with hair and other debris, one of which was a black bug. I used the end of an old razor to try and clear the hair from the drain holes and pushed enough of it sufficiently away to see the water begin to drain. That bug was in the midst of what must have seen to be a tidal wave to him, but he kept swimming against the current. I thought surely he would drown and go down the drain but he fought valiantly on. I could have stepped on him and killed him, but I was bare-footed and the thought of his bug juices between my toes was not appealing. He fought with all his might to escape and finally made it a good foot from the drain, only to find himself in the midst of a torrential downpour from the water streaming down from the shower head and beating against his tiny little body. Still he fought to live. Forcing his tiny legs on he made it to the edge of the stall and seemed to dance for joy with his new-found freedom. Thinking he'd be okay now, I ignored him at that point and continued on with my shower. Toweling off I glimpse him out by the lockers upside down and on his back, wiggling his legs and seeming to give up. He had fought so hard to live that it seemed unimaginable that he would surrender his life at this point. I gently nudged him with my toe to flip him over and put the towel over my wet hair. Looking back, he was on his back again. "What are you doing?" I asked him, "trying to dry off your belly or giving up?" I nudged him again and he crawled away to the corner of the floor at the edge of the lockers. Who knows where he went from there, but the Lord surely taught me an important lesson in that little bug. His life's journey is miniscule compared to mine and even more minute in the grand scheme of life. If that little bug, whom God created, can survive his near death experience and want to give up and die after the battle...and with a simple nudge from my toe, carry on, surely I, whom God also created, and loves even more, can overcome any obstacle put in my life to discourage me. With the full weight of His love and power He will equip me to thrive and be the jewel He knows I am. And when I want to give up and quit, He will send someone to give me a little nudge to encourage me to carry on to live fully in Him. How cool is that? Live, fellow struggler, keep fighting, and even when you've overcome and still the spirit of depression or doubts come against you, cry out to Him and He will bring His angels to you to encourage you. If He did it for Jesus, surely He will do it for you and me. No one may see your struggle, but He does, and He will never leave you, He'll never forsake you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! He'll never leave you, He won't forsake you, You can take all your troubles to His throne. He'll walk beside you, He'll love and guide you, On His Word you can depend. He'll never leave you, He won't forsake you, You can trust your truest Friend, I will trust my truest Friend, He'll always be my truest Friend!!!

What Color is the Water?

 

So I'm at the pool exercising and chatting with the Lord yesterday and about 1/2 an hour into it I ask Him, "So am I going to be fat forever? I mean, I've been at this for almost 10 years off and on and a -25 is all I seem to have kept off. I'm just being real with you Lord, will I always be fat?" 

And He answered. (I love that!) He said, "Daughter, YOU are not fat." 

"WHAT?" I responded. "Have you looked at me lately?"
Daughter, the you I created is not fat. And you have lost so much excess baggage in your life over the past 7 years that you have allowed Me access to your life; I've worked within you so much that the person who sought me out to lose the physical weight doesn't exist any more. You are so much more than the seeker you were then. Don't you see that?" 

"Yes, Father, when I step away from the struggle I do see that. But when I exercise all I can see and feel jiggle is the fat."

 "Daughter, what color is the water that you're exercising in?" 

 "What?" I responded. "What color is the water? "Well, when I look at it from here, where I'm standing in the water, it's blue." 

"But when you lift the water out of the pool, what color is it? What is it's true color?" 

 So I did that, I lifted a handful of water out of the pool and realized what I already knew, that the water is not actually blue. 

"It's clear Father." "
That's right. The truth is not what you SEE from where you're standing within the situation, it's what you know, what I've spoken to and over you. The truth is clear, just like the water. You are who I have created, and am in you."

 "So," I pondered, "how does that relate to right now, to this body?"

 "The water takes on the characteristics of whatever container it is in. If it's in a pool where the floor is painted blue, it appears blue. If it's in a lake or pond, the water is whatever the bottom of the lake or pond is composed of. If it's in an ocean, it takes on the ocean's characteristics, sometimes blue, sometimes green from algae, sometimes dirty brown. However, the truth is, the water's true color is clear, no matter what the "container's base composition. All these years you have been "seeing" yourself as still that dirty water, still that unclean person you were before I saved you from that life, and you have been feeding that person unclean thoughts, unclean food, pure and simple, uncleanness, day after day, all in a effort to be YOU and feel better about you.
  Remember when you sang that solo at the high school arts show, "I Gotta Be Me" (originally sung by Frank Sinatra)? You so wanted to be free of the uncleanness you had allowed yourself to keep "swimming" in, and from the depths of your heart the real you wanted to be rescued, so much so that you even had to sing about it. All the past 30+ years you've been swimming in water that was not the you I created. Now you are seeing the real truth. The YOU I've created has been washed by the water of my Son's blood shed on the cross and my Holy Spirit now lives in you. Your true composition is holy, pure and clear. YOU are no longer "fat". That fat represents your past life, and is no longer truly you. YOU are holy, pure, clear, beautiful, smart, creative and am becoming the very image of my Son. Can you see that now?"

 "Wow... Wow. I think I like this person so much more. Okay, so what I need to do is not "see" the fat, but "see" the me you created and "feed" that person. Cleanly. In every area of my life I need to nurture that true me, everything from what I read, eat, think, listen to, speak and allow in my life. When I do that I will "see" clarity will with each step. The fat will fall off in every area of my life, not just the physical.
Wow. This is so much MORE than I originally asked for. Thank you. I'm so amazed that You would do that for me. Wow. Thank you Father. May I be so aware of your life within me that each step becomes a journey of joy that will feed others. 

Thank you. Wow."