The Missing Sock

So walk with me here.

I got up and went to gym yesterday morning and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Showered, dressed and went to work. Talked with my friend April who comes to the locker room to shower and dress after her workout elsewhere. She's a chatterbox to the max but a really sweet and uplifting gal.

This morning I had set my alarm for 5:30 instead of 4:30 and at 5:33 my phone goes off, "Hey beautiful, you have a text message" and it's from April with a selfie of her in a dark car with the caption "I don't think it's Thursday, your day off? I'm not seeing your car?"

I texted back, "Nope. Just woke up. Be there tomorrow. Sorry."

She responded, " Don't be sorry! Look how long my sabbatical was. Jeremy (her husband)  said last night, "So you got a workout in yesterday ad your key still works to Koko?  (workout gym) I said, Yeah, I know. Crazy huh? And then I just laughed. I told him I've turned a new leaf and even my boss said when he walked in, "I didn't expect to see your bright and shiny face." I told him the same thing! I've turned over a new leaf.

To which I responded, (just being real), " The mountain in front of me is so bit it makes me feel like my efforts are a waste. What's 30 minutes of walking going to do? The battle is fierce mentally. I know my God is bigger than any mountain, but I'm not. Well, maybe physically I'm bigger (small derisive chuckle).

She responded: "Marilyn, you have come so far from where you started. DO you recall the day you came down to my office to tell me that you no longer had to take a certain medication? If you stop now about 30 minutes could mean a lot! Why do you think I sent you a picture message this morning? Because we both need to get back on track! I wish I had my trainer Scott keeping me accountable after I had injured my back. So I wouldn't have put 50 lbs. of the 100 I lost back on. If I don't get my s**** together my stretchy clothes aren't going to fit." Go Team Marilyn & April! Ra Ra Cheer Cheer, they can do it! Yes, they can. If they can't do it no one can!

I thought about it for some time and proceeded to get dressed. And then the Holy Spirit whispered into my spirit. Here's what I texted her:

"I know this sounds corny, but I'm sitting here getting dressed and looking for my socks. Can't see one of them. I pick up my shoes, look in shoes, look under shoes and all around, and just don't see it. I do all the normal things to locate what's missing. Nothing. Can't find that stupid sock anywhere. So I stand up to go find a new sock in my dresser and turn around to look where I'd been sitting and on the floor, under the edge of my bed…there's my other sock, right under where I'd been sitting. The Holy Spirit whispered, "You just need to look at the problem from another angle and you'll find what you're looking for. It was there all the time."

I had been thinking that here I want to be an example to others, to show them God working in my life and failure just keeps hounding me. But His Spirit was louder than failure this morning, even in a whisper. He is so very "present". In and through April, in and through you, in my every day life, searching for a sock! I just need to trust Him, keep fighting and determine in my spirit  to honor Him in EVERY aspect of my life, even when I don't see results. He is at work.

Believe This!

 

 I've had weight loss struggles for most of my life and started this journey to Liveliving in 2009. After battling weight loss for so long I had a strong gut desire to lose weight under God's leading and not by worldly, well meaning weight loss programs or gastric bypass or any number of other plans put forth by well meaning, sincere proponents of weight loss who gladly took my money and gave me very little in return. I'd tried that and got literally nowhere. Been there, done that. So I prayed and went on line searching for a Christian program that would show my through God's Word how to become healthy spiritually, mentally and physically. Surely there was SOMETHING or SOMEONE out there who shared and understood my desire to get my direction on how to lose weight successfully from the Lord. After all, God created me, surely He had instructed someone out there who had a way for me to be led through His Word to a healthier me.
     It took some searching but I did find one new site which seemed to be offering all that I was looking for, www.LiveLiving.org. I contacted Etta Dale (now Hornsteiner) on her website; she responded by email and said they had been preparing a bible study on Health and Wellness, but it was online only at this time. That didn't work for me. I wanted something in my hand that I could learn from, share with others in a study setting and then share with others in a greater way.
     Little did I know when I put forth the prayer to God requesting He guide me in losing weight, that He would take my request and transform my whole life. My vision was to become a size 12 again and brag to others about how God led me through His Word to my weight loss goal. Oh, how small minded and limited was my sight.
     It's been, now, going on 6+ years and although I've lost some physical weight (certainly not the 100+ pounds I wanted),  have learned to eat healthier (although I do lapse now and again) and have witnessed deeper insight to my heavenly Trainer, He is showing me that my initial prayer was only a grain of sand on the beach of my transformation journey to fully live living. I thought He would wave His magic hand over my body and I would be thin within a year's time. Humph,  I actually thought giving Him a year was quite gracious on my part. It didn't happen in a year, and in my eyes it appeared it would never happen. After all, it's been over 5 years and I'm still "fat" in my eyes and have failed time and time again. However, what I'm learning is that in order for Him to show me the jewel He's created me to be He had to start at the very beginning of my inner life and expose those issues He desired to not only heal and erase, but transform. I have a lot of inner scabs and He desires wholeness within me so His authentic life within me can be witnessed by others.
     When my heart is open to Him (and sometimes I still try to shield parts of me from Him), but when it is open, He imparts precious aha moments to me at the most ingenious times. Just this morning I attended a Beth Moore simulcast entitled "Audacious". Within the first 15 minutes of the worship time I was particularly struck by the women on the screen who were singing praises to their God. At first I was puzzled as to why He wanted me to take a good look at them. What I saw was that they weren't a perfect size 6 with perfect teeth, make-up and "Stepford Wives" Christian-ese language. Not one of them was a size 6 or even a size 12! One woman was quite large with a quite largely beautiful voice and she didn't seem to mind that others would see her size 26+ body. Nope, she was just focused on singing praises to her God. They ALL, with great boldness and sincerity authentically bared their hearts to, not only God, but to the 8,000+ women in the Wichita, Kansas stadium and the thousands upon thousands of women (and a few men) across the 50 United States of America and 19 countries who were watching the simulcast. They were beautiful and I wanted to be just like them!
     And do you know what my heavenly Trainer said to me? He said, "Daughter, I've told you in my Word, and am telling you now this truth. By the way, see how they praise Me? I love that! Don't you know by now, I don't focus on what size you are outwardly. It's not about the outside appearance. It's about the inner you that I care about. It's about your heart. I love your heart!  Get and be physically, mentally and spiritually healthy. I will take care of the rest. All that's not of Me I will wipe away. You asked me to become healthy spiritually, mentally and physically. I'm doing that NOW. I'm answering your heart's cry, your prayer, NOW. My desire is that you celebrate who I have created you to be. You know who she is, I've shown you. Celebrate the awesomeness of Me in you! Let Me fully live through you. You keep in My Word and keep your eyes on Me, not your circumstances and failures. Look upon and trust Me."
     "Daughter, shake off what to you seems like steel chains and is bondage. To Me those chains are like paper. See them as I see them. By the power of My Son who lives in you...PRAISE!! All those things of your past that held you down, all the lies you've listened to (and believed)  about your worth and whether you'd be accepted by those you love, all the times you sabotaged your progress in being healthy because you felt you weren't good enough and deserved to fail, they are nothing in My presence. Celebrate that truth. The truth is that you truly are precious in My sight, you were fearfully and wonderfully made, I DO have plans for your life, you were created to show others that feel just like you do that My Word is true and that I love you and I love each one of them with a love that will never die. Your shame is undone in My presence. BELIEVE THIS!"

From Unforgiveness to Peace

     It's been a while since I last posted...a couple weeks. They have been difficult weeks. A dear friend and coworker (I've known her for over 16 years, and at one time we shared a duplex together) was fired by my boss.

     Also,my oldest sister Darlene, who is diabetic, on dialysis, and has had open heart surgery and now wears a pacemaker, now lives in a nursing home and she has gangrene in her foot. She's facing an amputation of her leg from below the knee. She's not accepted Jesus as her Savior and it's possible she may not live through the surgery which is scheduled September 4th.

                                         It has been a couple of very difficult weeks.

     After my friend was fired, I was in shock. I was furious with my boss. I couldn't look at him or even speak to him for fear of lashing out. I was so hurt. I told another coworker it felt like someone I loved dearly had been killed, my boss was the murderer and I had to continue to still work with him. All I wanted to do was quit and walk away from that job.

     The only thing that kept me there was the sure knowledge that I've know with each job I've ever had since beginning my journey of liveliving with my Savior...the Lord got me the job for a reason and until He opened the door to another job, I was responsible to walk in obedience to stay there until He said, "Go," no matter how I "felt". 

     And there's the issue of forgiveness. IMPOSSIBLE to do when my feelings were so raw. But, boy, oh boy, did I pray for relief. He's taught me that forgiveness isn't about how you "feel", it's all about surrendering the pain of betrayal to Him, confessing to Him how I felt, and from my heart speaking the words, "I forgive him." And then trusting God to change how I felt. I knew that until I did that, the "feelings", the pain, would remain. I have forgiven him and am trusting God with the feelings, day by day. 

    The Monday after she was fired (on Friday, at the end of the day), I was called into my bosses boss' office, the Underwriting Supervisor and Manager. They told me that they had decided  that I was going to go full time into Underwriting instead of working in the Claims department. I thought to myself at the time, "hmmm, probably the best way for my Claims Manager to get rid of me without actually firing me," and over the past week I've been slowly transitioning into my new position. The Claims Manager hasn't spoken to me unless he absolutely had to since the firing and I thought that if he could fire my friend who had been there 13 years and was a fine claims representative who cared more for her injured workers and insureds that she did about dotting every "i" and crossing every "t" as upper management wanted, then surely because of our friendship he would be able to find a way to fire me as well. I thought he was watching me like a hawk in order to find a way to accuse me of insubordination, write me up and fire me too.

     It's been a couple days in the new position. I like it, it's like a new job with most of  people I really like, but in the same place. And the Lord is showing me a new perspective of how it all went down. He's reminded me that I am His and that He will take care of me as I continue to trust Him. Maybe, just maybe, my friend getting fired was under God's controlling hand, not theirs, and He has something better for her.  Maybe, just maybe, their "decision" to move me into the new position was under His control, not theirs. My God is my Father, and when one of His children is harmed, He will make a new way for them. He will comfort them and sustain them as only He can. I (and my friend) just need to fully rest, fully trust, Him. Let them think whatever they want about the control they have over me; I know Who's in control. And for that I can, I will, praise Him.That knowledge gives me hope, gives me victory, gives me peace and an renewed and revived spirit of LIFE.

Loyalty

Well, I did it. This past Monday I went to a reputable tattoo shop and memorialized my friend Mary with a tattoo on my lower left leg above the ankle bone. She was 75 when she died in April of this year, almost 20 years my senior, but she and I formed a bond when I first started attending her church almost 20 years ago. Our pastor at the time came to call us the M&M girls (she being Mary and me being Marilyn). She liked that and every now and then she reminded me and new pastors of our bond. So that's what I got put on my leg, A brown M&M girls and purple M&M girl. The brown has wings and we both have glasses. That's just who we were. We cried together, laughed together, prayed over our children and any issues at hand together. Still we both lived our separate lives. She, devoted to her family and relationship with Christ and I with mine. I got upset with her from time to time and commiserated with her daughter over it, but Mary was always faithfully loyal. She loved me no matter how I expressed myself. She saw Christ in me even when I was at my worst, and showed me by her actions that He truly lived in me. She never showed anger towards me, even though she maybe should have. She never yelled at me, even though she should have. Mary just loved.

 After receiving the tattoo I pondered why I did it. I have family members who I love with all my heart, yet I didn't get a tattoo for them. What is it that drove me to mutilate my body so in honor of a friendship? I have a second tat on my right inner forearm, that I got in 2011, of a butterfly in honor of my friend Etta and the LiveLiving organization she founded. Again, not a blood family member. So it bears the need to understand why. 

 On this journey the Lord has me following I've come to see myself more fully every time I turn around, and the word that comes to my heart and describes the why to me is loyalty. That word has fallen out of prominence in the past several years to almost total extinction. Except for, of course, when you see movies depicting medieval times where for example, Braveheart died for love and loyalty to his king and kingdom. Thousands gave their lives for their emperors, kings or rulers out of loyalty. The disciples and thousands of believers died horrible deaths for loyalty to their King, Jesus. 

     
So, what is it about loyalty so strikes a cord in my heart that I would immortalize someone forever on my body? I looked the word up. Loyalty is defined as: to be faithful, reliable, stable, firmly established, securely determined, committed, belief, conviction, steadfastness.  In fact, loyalty and faith appear to be two sides of the same coin. The Strong's Concordance defines faith as the conviction of the truthfulness of God. Loyalty is to be faithful, trust and stand firm in your belief.

    
 It is hard to find a loyal friend, one who has your back come what may, who believes in you no matter what, who faithfully supports you and is determined to see the best within you, the Jesus within you, if you will. Years may pass without contact, but when you meet up again it is like time has stood still and the relationship is rekindled anew. 

It's also difficult to find loyalty in the workplace. Coworkers that you can rely on to cover you when you make a mistake are few and far between. When you find them, stay with them. When you have an employer that supports, encourages, and sees the best in you, urging you on to bigger and better things, don't lose track of that jewel. 

Loyalty to others and their loyalty to me is becoming increasingly more important to me the older I get and the more I discover who Jesus created me to be. I will stand next to and support a friend/coworker who does the same for me, come what may. That's loyalty. When I encounter someone deserving of loyalty they receive it wholeheartedly. Of that, I am secure, I am steadfast. I make no apologies for it. I just need to represent that loyalty in a way that also honors my Lord and I'm working on that. It's very easy to become angry in support of my friend, but that anger doesn't honor Jesus. Loyalty to Him is #1. Loyalty to a friend must flow out of that loyalty to Jesus. I remain on the journey path to fully live living.

Every day Struggles

     It's been an interesting week, mentally; not necessarily a "good" interesting, but more of a "spiritually challenging" interesting. Work is as stressful as ever and every day, as the frustration builds, I find myself wanting to talk with someone about the frustration, "just to vent". That would be fine if I were drawn to another believer who would give me the Lord's perspective, correct my wrong thinking and pray with me. However, I haven't been drawn to another believer. I'm more drawn to one individual at work who isn't a believer. This person is charismatic, fun, intelligent and has many of the same frustrations as I do. They make me laugh and my self-indulgent side is drawn to them like a moth to flame. In my many attempts so show them Jesus in me I find my fleshly side sneaking out and wanting to display many of their own unbelieving characteristics. Every time I've been pulled mentally to go "share" with them, to get comfort from them, I hear His still quiet voice say to me, "No". "No, daughter, don't. Come to Me. Bring all your frustrations and struggles to Me. Trust Me with it all and know that I will calm you, give you peace and take care of the problems." I have found myself literally crying out to my God, "Help me, Jesus. Help me, Jesus," or at my weakest points just saying His name, "Jesus." Still I'm tempted. Not to eat what I shouldn't, but more to "eat" what my flesh craves instead of spiritual food.  It would probably be here where I state that I overcame the temptations and reigned victorious by speaking God's Word to myself, but I must admit, all I could do was bow my head and speak His name.  This journey to liveliving is not always victorious. Forgive me, but there are times it is damn hard. Satan, in his insipid way hisses in my ear, "Go on. Talk to that person, vent, gripe, murmur, complain, talk badly about others at your job. Go on, they'll understand. They know you better than you do. They won't look down on you. Of course, they won't come to know Jesus, but who cares? You need them. Go onnn!"
    I know I need to surround myself with other believers who can hear my heart's cry, understand and help me refocus on my Lord, but their number isn't on my phone's speed dial. It's not that Jesus isn't strong enough to give me victory without them, I know that He is. But sometimes the addiction to self-indulge, whether that be eating, thinking, or just my general daily walk in life, does it's best to overtake me and all I can do is cry out His name.
   I will say that I didn't do what Satan tempted me to do and in that, there is victory, but I feel like I somehow let Jesus down. Like I should have had a more Life-affirming attitude. I should have been stronger in my faith and let my praise of Jesus raise me to Him. Still, I did hear His voice. I did obey His instructions. I did lean on Jesus and not Satan. I didn't lose my testimony to that individual I've been trying to show Jesus. He showed me that I CAN do all things, even the overwhelming duties I've been instructed to do, through Him, and He is strengthening me. I know that I know, when He is ready, and He knows I am ready, He will move me on to a job I flourish in, a job where the gifts He's given me will blossom from a faith that is strong and overcoming. So thank you Father. Thank you for being with me this past week and in the weeks to come. Thank you for your strength and still calm voice that speaks to me in my weakest moments as well as in my strongest moments. I give you praise for showing me You are ever present with me, even when I'm weakest.

A Bug's Testimony

After my workout yesterday morning I headed to the locker room to shower, change and prepare for work. I stepped into the shower, turned on the water and discovered that the water level on the floor was rising to my ankles. Looking down I saw that the drain was filled with hair and other debris, one of which was a black bug. I used the end of an old razor to try and clear the hair from the drain holes and pushed enough of it sufficiently away to see the water begin to drain. That bug was in the midst of what must have seen to be a tidal wave to him, but he kept swimming against the current. I thought surely he would drown and go down the drain but he fought valiantly on. I could have stepped on him and killed him, but I was bare-footed and the thought of his bug juices between my toes was not appealing. He fought with all his might to escape and finally made it a good foot from the drain, only to find himself in the midst of a torrential downpour from the water streaming down from the shower head and beating against his tiny little body. Still he fought to live. Forcing his tiny legs on he made it to the edge of the stall and seemed to dance for joy with his new-found freedom. Thinking he'd be okay now, I ignored him at that point and continued on with my shower. Toweling off I glimpse him out by the lockers upside down and on his back, wiggling his legs and seeming to give up. He had fought so hard to live that it seemed unimaginable that he would surrender his life at this point. I gently nudged him with my toe to flip him over and put the towel over my wet hair. Looking back, he was on his back again. "What are you doing?" I asked him, "trying to dry off your belly or giving up?" I nudged him again and he crawled away to the corner of the floor at the edge of the lockers. Who knows where he went from there, but the Lord surely taught me an important lesson in that little bug. His life's journey is miniscule compared to mine and even more minute in the grand scheme of life. If that little bug, whom God created, can survive his near death experience and want to give up and die after the battle...and with a simple nudge from my toe, carry on, surely I, whom God also created, and loves even more, can overcome any obstacle put in my life to discourage me. With the full weight of His love and power He will equip me to thrive and be the jewel He knows I am. And when I want to give up and quit, He will send someone to give me a little nudge to encourage me to carry on to live fully in Him. How cool is that? Live, fellow struggler, keep fighting, and even when you've overcome and still the spirit of depression or doubts come against you, cry out to Him and He will bring His angels to you to encourage you. If He did it for Jesus, surely He will do it for you and me. No one may see your struggle, but He does, and He will never leave you, He'll never forsake you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! He'll never leave you, He won't forsake you, You can take all your troubles to His throne. He'll walk beside you, He'll love and guide you, On His Word you can depend. He'll never leave you, He won't forsake you, You can trust your truest Friend, I will trust my truest Friend, He'll always be my truest Friend!!!

What Color is the Water?

 

So I'm at the pool exercising and chatting with the Lord yesterday and about 1/2 an hour into it I ask Him, "So am I going to be fat forever? I mean, I've been at this for almost 10 years off and on and a -25 is all I seem to have kept off. I'm just being real with you Lord, will I always be fat?" 

And He answered. (I love that!) He said, "Daughter, YOU are not fat." 

"WHAT?" I responded. "Have you looked at me lately?"
Daughter, the you I created is not fat. And you have lost so much excess baggage in your life over the past 7 years that you have allowed Me access to your life; I've worked within you so much that the person who sought me out to lose the physical weight doesn't exist any more. You are so much more than the seeker you were then. Don't you see that?" 

"Yes, Father, when I step away from the struggle I do see that. But when I exercise all I can see and feel jiggle is the fat."

 "Daughter, what color is the water that you're exercising in?" 

 "What?" I responded. "What color is the water? "Well, when I look at it from here, where I'm standing in the water, it's blue." 

"But when you lift the water out of the pool, what color is it? What is it's true color?" 

 So I did that, I lifted a handful of water out of the pool and realized what I already knew, that the water is not actually blue. 

"It's clear Father." "
That's right. The truth is not what you SEE from where you're standing within the situation, it's what you know, what I've spoken to and over you. The truth is clear, just like the water. You are who I have created, and am in you."

 "So," I pondered, "how does that relate to right now, to this body?"

 "The water takes on the characteristics of whatever container it is in. If it's in a pool where the floor is painted blue, it appears blue. If it's in a lake or pond, the water is whatever the bottom of the lake or pond is composed of. If it's in an ocean, it takes on the ocean's characteristics, sometimes blue, sometimes green from algae, sometimes dirty brown. However, the truth is, the water's true color is clear, no matter what the "container's base composition. All these years you have been "seeing" yourself as still that dirty water, still that unclean person you were before I saved you from that life, and you have been feeding that person unclean thoughts, unclean food, pure and simple, uncleanness, day after day, all in a effort to be YOU and feel better about you.
  Remember when you sang that solo at the high school arts show, "I Gotta Be Me" (originally sung by Frank Sinatra)? You so wanted to be free of the uncleanness you had allowed yourself to keep "swimming" in, and from the depths of your heart the real you wanted to be rescued, so much so that you even had to sing about it. All the past 30+ years you've been swimming in water that was not the you I created. Now you are seeing the real truth. The YOU I've created has been washed by the water of my Son's blood shed on the cross and my Holy Spirit now lives in you. Your true composition is holy, pure and clear. YOU are no longer "fat". That fat represents your past life, and is no longer truly you. YOU are holy, pure, clear, beautiful, smart, creative and am becoming the very image of my Son. Can you see that now?"

 "Wow... Wow. I think I like this person so much more. Okay, so what I need to do is not "see" the fat, but "see" the me you created and "feed" that person. Cleanly. In every area of my life I need to nurture that true me, everything from what I read, eat, think, listen to, speak and allow in my life. When I do that I will "see" clarity will with each step. The fat will fall off in every area of my life, not just the physical.
Wow. This is so much MORE than I originally asked for. Thank you. I'm so amazed that You would do that for me. Wow. Thank you Father. May I be so aware of your life within me that each step becomes a journey of joy that will feed others. 

Thank you. Wow."

I Hear You

I'm pumped, I'm primed, I'm ready to get back hard at the exercise routine this fine, hot Monday morning. All weekend long I've entertained the joy of going to the racquetball area in my gym and dancing for and with Jesus. Can NOT wait! I'm up at 4:20 (yes, I snoozed in 5 minutes), dressed and out the door by 4:40, arriving at my work place just before 5:00 AM and head to they gym. SO EXCITED! Going down one floor in the elevator, tapping my toes, anticipating the work out and what to my wondering eyes does appear? A yellow caution tape across the open gym door and a sign saying that the pool and gym are closed until further notice. Okay, no matter, I'm heading to the racquetball area, surely that sign and warning won't affect what I intend to do this morning. Surely. And then I see that the lights in the racquetball room are on and there are cords all over the place and especially there. Oh no, please don't tell me...I look in the one window and see that there are at least four air blowers down there and it appears that maintenance is resurfacing the hard wood floor. It reminds me of my youth when the janitors resurfaced and lacquered the high school gym floor in the summer before school was to start. Dancing would not be my exercise routine today. Trying to stay optimistic I resolve to shower and head upstairs to exercise in the Word of God. I should have known my Father was orchestrating even this. I opened my devotional to today's scripture which is from Ephesians 4:29-31, which reads: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." ---OUCH---- I've always been challenged with controlling my tongue. In the past, and if I'm truthful, even today, whenever I witness any form of injustice to others or to myself I become instantly angry for that person being attacked, and although now I meet it with more silence than verbal reactions, my tongue has been known, in the distant past, to be quite caustic. Granted, over the years He has seasoned me well with His loving chastisement, but there is always room for improvement and He's showing me that today, even before my day begins. Hmmmm, must be needed today. I even have a sticky-note on my computere that says, "Take charge of your mind today! (I've crossed out the word "mind" and have rewritten it with the word "mouth". Okay, Father, I hear you. What is in the heart comes out of the mouth, I hear you. "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he," (Proverbs 23:7) I hear you, I hear you. I so surrender my mouth, my thoughts and my heart to you this day. Well, let's slow it down to this hour and see how it goes. So far, so good. Of course at 7:15 AM there aren't too many people around so the mouth stays shut. May my heart be so right with you this day that the words I speak this morning will be helpful for building others up according to what they need, not what I think they need. As the Casting Crowns song says, "May the words I say, And the things I do, Make my lifesong sing, Bring a smile to You." In Jesus' Name. Okay, Father, here we go. I pray also that the excitement I experienced this weekend and even this morning, anticipating dancing with you, follow through in my obedience to your will to speak life to each person I meet. Exercise your will in me this day, in Jesus' name I pray.

You Go Girl!

I had the best visit with my friend Etta yesterday and she brought up something that I "knew" but never really recognized as being unique to who Marilyn is. Sometimes it takes another person to expose the truth, not as you want it to be but as it is. She emphasized character traits that dwell within me and make me...me. It's hard to write it down "on paper" because I never thought of it as being special. So here goes...my whole being thrives in the arts, and not just the musical/painting/acting kind of arts, although they do excite me. Anything that initiates movement and creativity gets my juices flowing. I love the wave and flow of music, listening to it, creating it, directing it, dancing to it. I love putting "pen to paper" to create ideas and express concepts that come to mind. On another vein, I salivate just thinking about buying a circular saw in order to create a unique lamp for my organ transformed into a desk. Then my heart quickens thinking about what else I can build/create with that saw. My grandfather was a carpenter and built a bookshelf back in the 1960's that still stands firm and strong today in my living room. I want to build another just like it for my new study room. Creative juices flow when i get in the kitchen and find a recipe in a cookbook that I've never made before and just happen to have the ingredients to concoct whatever is on the page. I smile a bit broader when I can alter the recipe and create my own version of it and my family gobbles it down. My fingers twitch to pick up a hammer or paint brush for a new project or figure out a way to organize and plan a women's conference. Anything that sparks creativity within me makes me TICK! LOUDLY! And at the age of 57 that speaks volumes to my heart. I remember telling my grandmother when I was 7 or 8 that when I grew up I wanted to learn what made people tick and she sternly chastised me for that. I assumed she interpreted my words in a sexual nature...I'm not sure, but she let me know that finding out what made people tick, in her mind, was a big no-no. Now that I'm near the age she was at that time, I want to tell my grand daughter, "You go girl!! Find out what makes you tick and go for it!" Granted, I'm not my grandmother, but back to the truth revealed. "Anything that initiates movement and creativity" makes me LIVE. So why am I at a sit down job, inputting claims, etc. for an insurance company? Why am I not doing the work that makes me thrive? Well, the paycheck is a big motivator and the fact that the Lord put me here for His purpose, which may be to find out the above. I don't know, but I do know that as long as He has me here I'm going to find ways to thrive under His leadership. I want to be creatively, fully alive to thrive. So what makes you tick?

The Butterfly Effect

I just finished reading Michael W. Smith's book "What I learned from a Simple Blessing," and on page 147 he writes, "...the small flashes of light we beam into the lives of others can have more meaning than we think. It's an example of what some physicists call the "butterfly effect." In short, the butterfly effect says that the amount of air displaced by a butterfly's wings can eventually generate a hurricane. No, they're not talking about some monstrous mutant butterfly. They meant that small movements of air cause other small movements, and those movements combine to build momentum and create larger movements until finally enough of these movements accumulate to generate winds of hurricane force. You may bless someone in a small way that you think nothing about. Your blessing causes that person to take a given action, which in turn affects two or three others. Those three go on to affect six more, who in turn affect twelve others, until a family, a community, a city, a state or a nation is turned around." The reason this section of his book touched me was because butterflies have always intrigued me, their birth and stages of development fascinate me. Even more so the correlation between that and my own life. I was listening to T.D. Jakes the other day and he mentions many times in his messages about fulfilling your "destiny". My destiny. I'm 57 years old and am still searching for "my destiny," God's purpose for my life. This thought leads me to thinking about my legacy. What will I leave behind after I've died that has an impact on others' lives? What God-give purpose fulfills my destiny, my legacy? Some people die quite young and leave a lasting legacy that changes peoples lives forever, while others die in their 80's or 90's and no one even comes to their funeral. Case in point, my husband and I were stopped at a red light just yesterday for a funeral procession...there were, beside the hearse, only 6-8 cars following the deceased to his/her final resting place. I wondered, what legacy did that person leave behind with the flap of their "butterfly" wings? Granted, many peoples' lives may only touch their immediate family and that is their purpose, to be remembered lovingly, or not, by their family. Not everyone is destined to change the world, the term "world" being used respectfully. But should we aim so low? I'm thinking this past weekend of my grandmother as I am refurbishing her non-working organ into a useful writing desk and have time after time remembered the two of us playing together on the two organs she had in her home. It also reminds me of the countless lives she affected as a grade school teacher and the many times children would go to her desk seeking help. Her focus was the "children", young and old, brought into her life and in one way or another making their lives better. Did her actions change "the world"? Probably not, but her actions affected those people's world. She was not a saint, she made mistakes in her relationships early on that changed the lives of her own children for the rest of their lives, but I believe she more than made up for those mistakes by ministering into the lives of others for the rest of her life. So does my/your beam of light into the lives of others have more meaning than we think? I believe it does, both for the good and for hopefully only occasionally to the bad. Is my goal to have more good than bad? Well, sure it is. So how do I do that? Is it possible to do it on my own? Do I want to do it on my own and just hope for the best? Or is there a better way to flap the wings my heavenly Father has created and prepared for me to use? Michael W. Smith writes (on page 148): "We never know the long-range impact of our deeds, words or examples. We have the ability to affect people daily, not only through small acts of kindness but simply through the way we live. That is why it is critical that you and I strive to live in holiness every moment." So going to the gym every morning at 5:00 AM, does that really have an affect on anybody but me? Well, it does if you count the women I meet and talk to in the locker room. It does if you take into consideration the songs the Lord gives me while I'm in the pool that I can share with someone hurting. But, you may say, you're not losing weight very fast, what affect does that have? Well, this is the way I've come to look at it. I'm losing weight that I didn't even know I had, weight that burdened me down even more than the physical weight. I'm obeying my Lord's command to keep on going and leaving the results to Him. That makes my life and outlook lighter. In the meantime I'm flapping my butterfly wings which gives Him the honor and glory for each life that is touched. One day, like the heroes of faith in the book of Hebrews, I may only "see" the results when I'm home with my Jesus. But I believe by faith that God, through the power of His Holy Spirit, is the force, the wind beneath my wings and the world He's given me is changed.

Leave the Pounds to Him

So you must be wondering how the workouts are going. When I'm not working overtime at the office and going in to work at 5:00 am, I've settled into a flexible and even enjoyable workout routine. Monday-treadmill and elliptical for 45-60 minutes, Tuesday-pool for 45-60 minutes, Wednesday-dancing for 45-60 minutes, Thursday-workout time in the Word of God for 45-60 minutes, Friday-I surprise myself with one of the above. A co-worker challenged me to a water drinking contest. Whoever drinks half their body weight in ounces per day, wins. (I'm down to 7-20 ounce glasses to drink, used to be 8) So that's been an interesting event...more trips to the bathroom so there's some unexpected exercising! LOL I've not signed up for another 5K, but am strongly considering taking some basic dance classes at a local Christian Dance company called "Dance-A-Cross", just to learn some new moves. And my husband and I are painting a room downstairs that is to become our new bedroom. Yes, there's even a workout in that! The walls were painted red on the top half and black on the bottom with a silver chair railing between, so there will have to be more than one coat of paint used to cover the walls But that's okay. It's time we can spend together on a project and the shoulders and waist get quite a lot of exercising! The room we currently use for a bedroom upstairs will become my new study room. I'm converting my grandmothers old organ into a study desk and decorating the lid with the keys from the organ. Will post a picture on the blog when it's completed. How invigorating to have such a variety of exercise routines to choose from. One thing I'm learning though. I've been going in to workout by 5:00 AM each morning for almost a year now, maybe longer, and I'm finding that mentally working in the office during that 2 1/2 hours is so much more draining an exhausting that when I physically work out. Physically exercising definitely energizes me for the day. How positively revealing that news is to me. Never thought I'd ever say that about exercise. Wow. Don't give up on the workouts, even if you don't readily see a change they are helping, and your body, mind and spirit will thank you for it. God is doing an awesome work in and through you in the midst of it, so don't give up! I'm not. I've even put a new password on my work computer that reminds me every morning to keep going and to never quit. I'm also not focusing on the scale, but more on the exercising, and that's very freeing in itself. Whatever the Lord leads you to do, stay active in it and He will bless. There's more joy and pleasure in honoring Him than in thinking that you'll never get the scale to show the weight loss. Never thought I'd say this, but I've lost so much more mental and demoralizing weight than the physical, and He and I are both very okay with that. Don't get distracted by the pounds, get invigorated by the growth in your relationship with Jesus and leave the pounds to Him.

My Truest Friend

Hard to believe it's been 2 weeks since I last posted. I'v been extremely busy at work an have had no time to post any blogs or get to the library to post. But I'm back and have some exciting news to share. I was at the pool exercising this past Monday morning and enjoying my visit with Jesus. We have some of our best talks and creative explosions in the pool I am so thankful for that time. Have also begun going down to the racquet ball court and taking my CD player and dancing my heart out for Jesus He and I always close (cool down time) with slow dance. So much love there that I don't realize my body is getting such a great work out. However, a couple hours later I can surely feel it in my muscle! LOL Anyway, back to the pool. I had been thanking Him out loud for all the blessings in my life. and from out of no where He placed a song on my lips. It started out with the verse from Hebrews 13:5 which says, (partially), "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (from Deuteronomy 31:6) and grew from there. It goes like this: "He'll never leave me, He'll not forsake me, I am not alone. He'll never leave me, He won' forsake me, I can take all my trouble to His throne. He'll walk beside me, He'll love and guide me, On His Word I can depend. He'll never leave me, He'll not forsake me, I can trust my truest Friend. I will trust my truest Friend, He'll always be my truest Friend!" I've been singing that song ever since. I wish I could sing the tune to you on this blog. Still, I wake up singing that song, I go to bed singing that song. It's His song that He's given to me and will always be in my heart. What a blessed gift from my truest Friend.

Storms Forecasted for Today

Last night's forecast for central Iowa was wrought with foreboding. Severe thunderstorms would be rolling in during the night and possible damaging hail would accompany those storms. "If you have a garage, put your cars away," the local meteorologist advised. When I woke this morning and took my little dachshund outside I realized the deck wasn't wet. "I thought we were getting storms overnight," I said over my shoulder to my husband. "They're coming," he responded. "You'll drive into them on your way to the gym," he predicted. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of lightning as I took Brady back inside to his crate and braced myself to leave for my morning workout. As I backed the car down the driveway sprinkles of water formed on my windshield. The further I drove west the more it fell, but not heavy enough to warrant a constant swish-swish of my wiper blades. I arrived at the gym and got out of the car to light sprinkles. Where's the storm? I turned on the tv when I got to the gym to see when the big one would hit and still they forecasted heavy thunderstorms for the entire day, and indeed for the next six days. After my workout and shower I walked out to the car to drop off my gym bag and towels...still light sprinkles. Where's the storm? I held out my hand palm up to the sky and wondered when it was actually coming. So often bad "weather" is forecast into our lives and we go about our day preparing for the worst. Thunder of preconcieved danger loom on the horizon and we head to the storm shelter of our inner being to protect ourselves from failure or danger before a single cloud is in our sky. Week-long predicted "rain" pelts us on all sides and we wonder if we'll ever see upper 70's sunshine in our lives again. Oh, the enemy of our souls does love to beat us down, doesn't he? Still, that's where the umbrella of the Holy Spirit comes into our lives, why our heavenly Father has given us the Sword of His Word, to shield, protect and fight against the darkening skies of bitter painful storms, if and when they come. However, today, today I choose to look up, past those storm clouds, for the sun is always shining. Oh, I may not see the Son through the clouds of doubt, fear, disappontment or frustration, but it's there. I've just got to release my faith in my heavenly Meteorologist and believe that He will burn the storms of my life away or he will give me what I need to weather those battle-storms. It may be very dark outside, the humidity of failures may hang over me, but inside, where my Lord lives, I'm dancing, I'm rejoicing in His Son as He shines His light on my soul. Whew! What a great day it's going to be!

Worship

The music begins softly and as the life of the Spirit fills the room the melody swells and the worshipers begin singing with more heartfelt fervor and begin to clap in time with whatever tune the performers on the stage share in their own worship experience. Several members of the audience walk to the front of the sanctuary. The woman in the row in front of me steps out and with arms lifted, sways back and forth, and that's worship. A bald black man in his forties sits still with his head lifted up and tears streaming down his face, and that's worship. A petite curly-haired woman in her early sixties walks to the front and with her hands shaking back and forth the bracelets on her wrist rattle in praise, and that's worship. A little girl, probably about 7, sits strapped into a reclining wheelchair with her gaze looking at nothing really but it's easy to see, she's worshiping. An elderly pastor's wife with serious health problems shuffles in a slow gate with her walker and makes her way to the front; several gather around her, laying hands on her in prayer, and that's worship. Another group of men gather in prayer around a friend who had cancer and is pleading for healing, and that's worship. A woman in her early thirties stands off to the side of the altar with arms straight out to her side praying and then lifts her voice praying in tongues, and that's worship. The music softens as the whole community of believers wait in anticipation of the interpretation of the tongues prayer, and when it comes from an elderly pastor in the middle of the room a shout of praise rises and the praise music swells again, and that's worship. As I sit in my pew, observing all these different ways to worship my eye spies two little children, probably about three or four, standing next to their mother who's eyes are closed in prayer. All around them are very serious and focused on their own worship time. The little boy grabs the hand of the little girl and I see him try to tell her to twirl under his arm. She does and they take each other's hands in a "ring around the rosie" dance, begin to hop and laugh and are finding joy within the music, totally oblivious to those around them. No one stops them or shushes them into submission. They are just free to worship in innocence and unfettered joy. As I watch a smile forms on my lips and I can feel our heavenly Father smiling down on them, looking over his shoulder and saying, "Hey, Jesus, would you look at that? Isn't that so very cool? Let's go down and dance with those two." I picture Jesus taking both their hands and with child-like laughter joining in his own boisterous laugh, and with glee they dance in the very presence and joy of their Father, and that's worship Thank you Father. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your joy, your peace, your very presence in our lives whether we're sad, sick, hurting, happy, jubilant or yes, even worshiping.

Fat Whining and Greetings

I couldn't go on with my day without sharing these 2 jewels. In light of my earlier post this morning I just have to share this with you. The mail man just delivered our office's mail, just this very minute, and as I opened it out-flopped The Wall Street Journal. Flipping through the sections I see the Personal Journal section and the lead story there? "Let Fat Back Into Your Life." No, really, I'm not making this up! I wish I was savy enough to take the picture and upload it from my phone for you to see, but you'll just have to trust me on this, it really does say that. What a Hoot! Secondly, and a bit more spiritual, although I'm not sure why this tickled me so. I was reading James 1 this morning and the first verse is usually read and passed over as unimportant, but then I read it again, first in the NIV version and then in The Message version. NIV: "James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes scattered amoung the nations: Greetings." Pretty non-descript. Understandable as to why one would overlook it. Greetings? Really? Who says, "Greeting" in this day and age. Whatever, I thought. and then I read The Message version: "I, James, am a slave of God and the Master Jesus, writing to the twelve tribes scattered to Kingdom Come: Hello!" Scattered to Kingdom Come? Hello? LOL. It's as if he's saying, "Hey, I have no idea where you are but, Hi ya'll!" LOL I am so glad that when my life is "scattered" my God does know where I am and sends his messengers to me to say, "Hi, I'm still with you." What great love is that?

(okay, I found a way with help from a friend, to put the picture here. Proof positive. LOL!!)

My Prayer Whine of the day: Jesus wasn't Fat!

Yesterday morning upon my arrival at the gym I first spoke to my Trainer. Worship and praise came first and then I presented Him my heart's cry. "Lord, may my life reflect your heart to each person I meet. Lord I thank you for helping me get fit and healthy for your kingdom's work. Father, I'm sick and tired of this fat around my belly. I just want to be like Jesus, and Jesus wasn't FAT!" I thought I was sincerely pouring my heart out to Him, and I was, but then He frowned, I felt it in my spirit. As I stepped on the treadmill I heard Him say, "Daughter, that thorn in your flesh is there right now for a purpose." And He led me to Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. I love The Message version's take on this passage, "Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." Realizing that I had been prayer whining I decided to change my tune. "Lord Jesus, you're so absolutely right! Thank you for this limitation. Use it for your glory. Bring others to you through this time of struggle in my life!" And then a new exercise cheer emerged, and as if from the grave of my whining heart, His Spirit within me gave flight. "I WILL NOT QUIT,I WON'T GIVE UP, FOR HE WILL ALWAYS FILL MY CUP I WILL NOT QUIT, I WON'T GIVE IN, FOR CHRIST IS FIGHTING THE BATTLE WITHIN!" "Praise You Jesus!" I shouted into the empty room. "Thank you God! Pour your life-giving water on me and may this sweat be a testimony of your power and grace!" Whew! What a great workout it became. And to top it all off...I thought this was enough, but God abundantly blesses, don't you know...He whispered, "Turn on Spotify on your phone." WHAT??? Spotify, Lord, really?? "Yes, turn it on as you continue to work out." I remembered I had downloaded the app some time ago and had put Mandisa's Overcomer album on there. And for the rest of my workout I sang with her, listened to her testimonies and we praised our God together. 45 minutes later the sweat was pouring off me and I was exhilarated! No more whining for me, not even in my prayers, no matter how sincere I feel I'm being. I WILL NOT QUIT! God IS at work within me and I thank Him for removing the weight of negative thinking, guilt-ridden condemnation and self-centeredness and replaced it with sincere joy in His presence, abundant peace in the midst of the struggle and His strength to persevere in weakness!!

When God Intervenes

Last weekend my husband and I did what we normally do on a Saturday, we made up a grocery list and went to Aldi's, a grocery store chain that sells discounted food items. We love that store! You meet all kinds of interesting people, some not so fun to listen to, but they're doing what we're doing, shopping for groceries for the upcoming week. It's a staple in their life just like it is in ours. However, on this particular Saturday I was about to meet with God's reconciling grace. As I was walking the cart down the aisle I glanced to my left and saw someone I thought I knew, did a double-take and realized it was indeed an old former friend. She and I had a falling out a few years back, both said some things we shouldn't have and parted ways. She was hurt, I was hurt and that was that. Or so I thought. So to see her in the grocery store shopping for groceries with her husband, just like I was, at first glance caused a fight or flight response in me. I could either ignore her and keep shopping (which I did for a few minutes), or I could step into the opportunity God presented to me to restore a friendship, right there in the grocery store. After first ignoring her I tussled within myself as to what to do. As I continued down the aisle it was inevitable, we were going to meet. What should I do? At the gentle nudge from the Spirit who lives within me I stepped forward and said her name, waiting for her to first, see me, then recognize me, and then wait and see how she would react. She turned, looked at me and a glint of recognition came to her face and instantly we hugged. And it wasn't a quick "hug, hi, how are you, now go away" kind of hug. It felt like all the pent up feelings I had towards this sister in Christ just dissipated into nothing and I felt restored, righted and renewed. We couldn't talk long enough, but both knew we had husbands waiting off to the side to continue our shopping, so we parted and moved on. The next aisle we met again, hugged again, only this time I apologized for what happened between us and she did the same and it was if we had each found a new friend. Oh, how I've missed my friend. And I didn't even really realize it until just then. We had been through so much together and parted on such painful circumstances that reconciling didn't ever seem to be possible. But for God. He knows when it's time to restore. I hadn't been praying about it, hadn't even thought of her for quite a while, but He knows when it's time. How I thank Him for his loving intervention in my life. Would that every broken relationship be renewed in such a way! I don't know why now, why us, for what purpose, but He does and even though we live 50 miles apart I know that I know when we meet up again, and we WILL meet up again, He will be at the center of the relationship and be glorified through it.

Peace, Be Still

Genesis 18:17, NIV Then the Lord said, "Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do?" Note that the Lord "SAID"; He truly didn't ask anyone for their opinion, He wasn't doubting or unsure. He knew his friend Abraham, their friendship was intimate, true and sure. Without waiting for any response from anyone, He then proceeded to speak over Abraham his future. All this time good ol' Abe said nothing. He didn't goad the Lord to disclose what He was talking about. He didn't beg, "Oh, pretty please? Tell me?" Abraham waited to let the Lord speak His peace. Sometimes when my husband of 21+ years is sharing his thoughts with me or telling me a story he takes longer than I'm comfortable with, just getting the words out of his mouth seems to take a long time because he is forming them in his head before they are spoken. Yet, knowing him as an intimate friend as well as wife I can pretty much know what he's about to say and if I'm really impatient I will say it for him. That just kills the moment. His eyes will ever so slightly twitch and I'll see a frown out of the corner of my eye, and I realize that something is now lost in the sharing. I've learned over time that if I want to be his partner in the telling, I need to keep quiet, listen and let him speak his peace. It's a difficult thing for me to do but I've discovered that this way he tells his story his way and he is honored more by my respectful silence than my impatient slap-in-the-face blurting out of his thoughts for him. My heart desires to claim the above bible verse over my own life and many times I want to help the Lord speak the words over my life like He did Abraham. I may even give him suggestions. However, I'm learning that if I want to be His partner in the prophetic words, I need to keep to be still and let my heavenly Father speak to me in His way and in His time. My intimate desire is to honor Him whom I love above all things and He is worthy of my respectful silence.

God keeps His word! AMEN

I love the section about God keeping His word. Satan surely does lie through his teeth! "First, there’s the matter of being put in charge of writing down and caring for God’s revelation, these Holy Scriptures. So, what if, in the course of doing that, some of those Jews abandoned their post? God didn’t abandon them. Do you think their faithlessness cancels out his faithfulness? Not on your life! Depend on it: God keeps his word even when the whole world is lying through its teeth. Scripture says the same: Your words stand fast and true; Rejection doesn’t faze you. But if our wrongdoing only underlines and confirms God’s rightdoing, shouldn’t we be commended for helping out? Since our bad words don’t even make a dent in his good words, isn’t it wrong of God to back us to the wall and hold us to our word? These questions come up. The answer to such questions is no, a most emphatic No! How else would things ever get straightened out if God didn’t do the straightening?" (Romans 3:2-6, MSG)

I DID IT!!! DANCERCISING 101 & 102

I did it! I did it! I found that ONE thing that clicked with me for exercising. After writing the article for www.liveliving.org regarding motivation to transformation entitled, "The Beauty Within," something inside of me just started clicking into place. After accomplishing the 5K race in March I've been vacillating about what to do "next". This past weekend the Holy Spirit prompted me to pull out the CD's I used when I led worship at a previous church and I found that I have 50-60 CD's. On those CD's there must be 20-30 songs that I could use to dance/exercise to. I thought I just needed to burn the songs onto a CD and incorporate the steps. However, this morning I couldn't wait any longer and yanked the CD player off my work desk and took it down to the racketball workout room in the gym of my workplace, set it up and pushed the "on" button. Had no idea what steps to do but I just moved in worship and praise, incorporating what dance steps I remembered from 2nd and 3rd grade dance classes and some exercise moves I knew. IT WAS EXHILERATING! I sweated more dancercising than I did when I walked for 60 minutes on the treadmill or elliptical. Christian Zumba? Could it be on its way in? I've found my niche. Have even looked at taking a dance class (for senior citizens no less, LOL)to learn more steps and moves. This is only the beginning. I'm writing this just before heading to lunch but there will be more of my adventures into dancercising, you can be sure. Sorry this is so short but stay tuned for updates. In Jesus' name I'm off and DANCING!!! Woo HOO!!! SPECIAL NOTE: Strangest thing happened in the afternoon at work after writing this post. I shouldn't have been surprised by it, for every time you rise to a new level of intimacy with the Lord the enemy tries to dig his claws in and works even harder to stop the work of the Lord in your life. I was working away and from seemingly out of nowhere I was overcome with anger and frustration, with my job, boss, coworkers and felt like I wanted to walk away from it all. Thoughts like "why am I bothering to work out, I work and work and nothing, I just look stupid down there trying to "dance", I should be struggling more, not enjoying it more. Oh, I hate this place. I am so frustrated!" And kept getting blow after blow with thoughts that truly weren't of me. So I got up, seemingly to walk to the restroom, to escape iand sat down to take it all to my Lord. "God, help me. I need your truth and peace." He began to open my heart to recognize that Satan works with more force to combat me with lies when I'm on the path the Lord desires for me. While I may not be madly in love with my job, He has given me strong Christian women that surround me with support here and He's supplied a workout area totally free of charge. Struggles will come with any job but He is there to lift me up out of them. He came that I might have LIFE and live it to the full so enjoyment of that life is totally of Him. So I'm back this morning and exercising in His word and He takes me to Isaiah 41. I love verse 10 but here's a little snippet of comforting truth: verse 9b-"I have chosen you and have not rejected you," verse 10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand," verse 13-"for I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you." Isn't He just the most understanding and nifty Friend? Yeah, back at the dance tomorrow morning!

Revelation

I apologize for not having written in this blog for a week. I've been challenged to write a motivational article for the e-magazine on www.LiveLiving.org and have been rather consumed with the process of that. It is now finished and will be available to read in its next issue on Motivation. I was stunned to read, as I wrote, what the Lord wanted to reveal within me. What He desired to show me about myself that in all my 57 years of life I never saw. He showed me how greatly the arts influenced my life and why, out of all the members of my family (who were all into sports), I was the one given this gift. You'll have to read it when it comes out. May it touch and bless your life as it has mine. More later.

He Hears my Pain

In light of yesterday's post, "Stones vs. Peace" I want to share what my Heavenly Trainer is right now teaching me as He reveals more of just Who He is to me. Yes, the past several days have been really sucky, but I can still go to Him with it. He is so faithful that even when I screw up, even when I fail, even when I don't "produce" the fruit of righteousness that we're all taught we're to produce (tho for the life of me I haven't figured out how to do on my own! "Ta-daa, daughter, you can't do it on your own!"), even when I'm not glowing with perfection, He is there for me. He tells me in Ephesians 3:12 that "In Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and confidence." WOW! He's teaching me, even this week, about perseverance, endurance, and HOPE by sending me to Romans 15: 4-6. That "hope", that truth-filled surety that only comes as He plants His truth in my heart through His living word and He reveals His heart to me. That hope, that solid, concrete evidence of His Truth, is unfolding like a rare flower in a field of my life's weeds and it's alive with His beauty, His resolve, His love. I am so filled with thankfulness this morning that I find it difficult to express how excited and yet humbled I am whenever He reveals His heart to me. As I open His Word His Spirit leads me to The Message version of Romans 5:3-5, which reads-"There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!" Romans 5:3-5 (MSG) Oh, the authenticity of my Father's love and nifty personality! That is what He is doing within me. Yes, I had a melt-down, but the neat part of all that is He understands, and I know deep in my heart, He hears my pain, receives it to Himself and will fill that pain with His love. It's just Who He is. That melt-down drew me more into His heart than I've ever been before. No, I don't "see" any changes outwardly at this point, but inwardly, His peace is filling me and I love Him all the more for that. True change is happening within me and it's all Him. Wow! Thank you Father. Thank you!

Stones vs. Peace

It's been a rough week. I should have expected attacks from the enemy considering the decision my husband and I made last week, and began to put into practice, to obey God's command and fully tithe to our church. We gave each week prior to that, but knew that just giving half-heartedly wasn't fully obedient to our Father's will. So this past Sunday we stepped up and gave a full tithe. I don't share this to get a pat on the back, quite the contrary, I share this information to set the stage as one of the reasons it's been a tough week mentally. Mother's Day has always been difficult for me as well. My mother and father abandoned me and my 2 brothers when I was 2, they were 4 and 5, and to honor her on this day is tough. We've somewhat mended our fences, but the pain is still lurking in my heart. I'm just sayin'. And then we got home from church and not a word was said to me from my son about Mother's Day, and I had a disagreement with my husband, and the day just fell apart from there. Not monumental, but was enough to throw me into a self-centered conundrum. One of the worst things you can do when there's a "disagreement" is to say nothing and go to bed that way. Confrontation is tough, but it also brings quicker healing. Alas, I chose to be silent, thinking I would take it to the Lord the next day and did so. He reminded me that the same issues I was upset about, I, too, had been guilty of and shouldn't be throwing stones expecting peace. Yesterday morning when going to exercise I chose instead to go into the pool room and pour out my heart to the Lord, basically I had a melt down. I'm 57 years old and still it hurts to know that my mother and father didn't want me. "Why didn't they love us enough to seek Jesus? Why didn't they love us enough to work it out? Our lives could have been so much richer had they dealt with their problems through the Lord! Why, Father? Why?" This morning I went to the pool, again seeking peace from my heavenly Father. Unfortunately, although I went through the motions of exercising in the pool my heart wasn't in it and depression settled in. Doom and gloom shrouded my heart and I knew Satan was enjoying every minute of my despair. I wanted the Lord to wave His magic wand and walk to me on the pool's surface and take away all my pain, leaving me with a supernatural high that I could brag about to others. Strangely enough, He didn't do that. What He did gently tell me was that I needed to practice thankfulness, to tell Him all the reasons I had to be thankful to Him. Although when I started to do that I didn't "feel" thankful, the more I spoke about it, the calmer became my heart and the depression lifted from shoulders. I just read part of a "Girlfriends in God" devotional by Gwen Smith entitled, "When Your Heart Needs Healing." These words really touched my heart, "...this is one of the biggest challenges we face. Having a heart fixed on healing. To press through to a place of wellness and strength: spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. To not back down from the resistance before us in light of the rewards that await us. To run the race of faith well!" Healing. Oh God, thank you for your healing in my life. In Jesus' name I forgive my mother and father, I forgive my son, I forgive my husband, I forgive those who've hurt my child's heart. Thank you for forgiving me the hurt and pain I've caused you, I've caused others. Thank you for your mercy and grace. Thank you for your great love, thank you for the confirmation you give me in i Peter 4:8 that tells me, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." Thank you for taking my stones of pain and giving me your Living Water of peace.

Quinoa Tortillas

I can't resist sharing this recipe. Bought the Tortilla press, now it's time to get the ingredients and make quinoa tortillas. Here's the recipe I found on www.TheGraciousPantry.com: 4 c. flour, 3/4 c. brown rice flour, 1 tsp, olive oil, 1 1/4 c hot water, Combine all ingredients in a bowl, mix and knead until smooth dough. separate into 18 balls. Put 1 ball into plastic bag and flatten in tortilla press. put the tortilla in unoiled non-stick pan and cook 1 minute on each side. Will last in the refrigerator up to 3 days and is best served warm. Let me know if you use it and what you think. Enjoy.

Getting Past Oreo Cookie Living

I remember as a child when mom would get us Oreo cookies and milk for Saturday afternoon snacks, the most fun we had was either twisting the outer cookie and eating the white fluff in the middle or else dunking the cookies (I preferred the vanilla flavored Oreos best) in milk, sucking out the liquid and smushing the softened part in our mouths and then re-dunking the rest of the cookie. What a treat it was to eat those cookies. The only bad part was if we'd twisted the cookie apart it was no fun to eat the hard cookie portion because the best part had been licked off and we wound up throwing it away. The reason I bring up the childhood memory is because I've been feeling a little like the outer hard crust lately. Monday and Friday's are usually pretty quiet at the office gym, which normally I don't mind, but lately it's felt like others come during the middle of the week only to say they've been to the gym that week and have smushed out the best part of the week by being there on Tuesday through Thursday. So I'm learning to consume the whole "cookie gym time" on Monday's and Friday's. Delving into exercise machines that I normally would avoid (the dark cookie part) has become quite enlightening and satisfying. And that new weight machine, well, someone needs to educate me how best to use it, but I've used some of the easier to use parts of it and it's been quite revealing as well. There is so much more to this human "cookie" than I realized. Staying on the treadmill is fine but I'm learning that strengthening and toning the muscles on other machines expands my exercise discipline and I'm learning to enjoy that aspect of exercising. I want to consume not only what the gym "cookie" has to offer but to venture out into my neighborhood and take in the sights, sounds and beauty that can also enrich my exercise "diet." There is so much more to consume, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and yes, even physically. I want it all. Yes, I want to do another 5K, but what about learning other disciplines that will draw me closer to my Lord. My husband and I just finished a bible study in our new church, "Read the Bible through in 90 days." Wow, now that took discipline, and I'm embarrassed to say my husband did much better than I did. But, all is not lost, I still have my bible and each time I bite off a chapter or book of it I grow even more. I'm typing this at a beautiful library in our city and as I look around I see books I would never have thought of looking at before. It's time to expand other areas of my mind, to learn, expand and enrich my mind in the areas the Lord leads me to grow in. Just consuming the fluff of the books I've read before or areas of reading that I've always stayed in doesn't help me grow closer to Him. Oh, the possibilities! Can you see it yet? Why, I even went to a store at a local mall before I came here and purchased a tortilla press. I want to make my own quinoa tortillas. What a thrill that will be! Too much time has been wasted on living in the past and limiting my horizons. It's time to let the past stay in the past, learn from it and move on to where the Lord is leading me, leading you, leading anyone who wants to fulfill His purposes in their lives. Let's do it! Buy a smoothie maker at a second hand store and make healthy smoothies, eat some kale just for the thrill of it, or put the kale into the smoothie, dunk the rest of the "cookie" the Lord has given you into the Water of Life and LIVE!

Transformation Training

Yesterday I posted part of the following on Facebook. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, which will affect your thought-life and that will come through in your speaking-life. There's a verse, Proverbs 23:7, that says, "...as a man thinks in his heart, so is he." He may welcome you to his feast, but in his heart he's miserly counting the cost of what you will eat and doesn't really want you there. His thought-life needs a transformation. T.D. Jakes said in one of his messages, "If you were on trial for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence"...and I thought he would go on to say, "to convict you?" But he didn't. He said, "Would there be enough evidence (in effect) to lead others to Jesus?" I know people who religiously attend church, are active in church activities and organizations and can speak "christian-eze" with the best of believers. However, during the week their everyday language is peppered with expletives, they talk about going to the bar to meet friends and drink, and they hold grudges and speak badly behind others' backs. Brother and sister, that ought not be so. Something in my heart aches when I hear them speak so. I don't wish to live my life like that. Sad to say there are times when I start to step into those pits and the Holy Spirit nudges my heart and raises His eyebrow. God expects more of His children than that. There's a song that has a part of a verse that says: "Even if others don't know your name, is there evidence that you've been changed?" Well, I have to stop and analyze: is there? When people meet me on the street or pass me by at work or step into my "world" wherever I may be, do they see Jesus, is there evidence to them that the Lord Jesus is fully involved in my life? I pray so. My first husband used to coin this phrase quite often: "Don't approach a vast project in a half-vast manner." We used to chuckle at that because if said rather quickly your tongue could twist and it would come out in a more cryptic way. But believers in Jesus, me included, need to approach our thought/speaking life as a "vast project", as one training for the Olympics. It's not that God won't love us if we don't think/act/speak "right"; He's about relationships, not religion. But as His ambassadors to the world, He has filled us with His Spirit and we ought to overflow with His thoughts/actions/speech. Discipline is required, and we are not alone in our "training" to be all He created us to be. On our journey to liveliving for His Kingdom's work every aspect of our life can be filled with life-speaking, inspiring, thought-provoking and Spirit-filled experiences. He came that we might live our life abundantly in His power. Let's wade into that life-giving water and be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Lord Jesus, I give you control of my thoughts and I eagerly desire to watch You transform my life. Speaking the truth in love, I'm just sayin'...Jesus, wash not just my feet, but all of me! Starting today, Holy Spirit, renew my mind to think as you think, love as you love, treat others as you would treat them so they might see You in me. I surrender that part of my life that is the old thoughtless "me", and I eagerly anticipate the adventure of experiencing your Spirit restore my soul, my mind, will and emotions. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

He does Serve Cheese with my Whine!

This morning I felt the need to go to the pool to work out. Truth be told, I was in need of "me" time with my Trainer Jesus. Earlier this week He told me I needed to go into another room, get on my knees and lift up each person I was angry with and forgive them. It was difficult, but I did that. So I thought I was good to go. Alas, more of a "work out" was needed. (Isn't it always?) This morning I was surrounded by darkness. Normally in the pool that's fine; I like to leave half the lights off to create a sense of intimacy. However, this morning the darkness seemed to close in on my from a lot of angles. It was 5:30 in the morning and the sun hadn't risen yet so it was dark outside, the gym lights were off as were half the pool lights so it wasn't as welcoming as I'd hoped and mentally many negative memories and current and past issues were creeping into my thoughtlife. I worked out, but had a difficult time even "looking" at my Lord. There wasn't the joy I usually find during my time with Him. So, being the friends that we are, I shared my unsettling, depressing, pain-filled thoughts with Him. I told Him of about missing my friends, both who've died and/or moved on or away: my friend Mary, husband Mike, friends Sandy Jo, Renee, Liz, Etta, Tina (all of whom are in another state now, either physically or mentally, my frustration with the weight loss journey and progress, (or seeming lack thereof), concerns about my son, problems at work...I shared it all. And yes, I must admit, the more I spoke the whinier I sounded. Even that didn't stop me from telling Him, I just wanted to be "real" with Him. Although He already knew what I was feeling, He let me vent. When I wound down, wiped my tears I heard His response: "Daughter, you need to praise Me." So rather begrudgingly I began doing that. Towards the end, although the darkness hadn't seemed to change around me and I really, honestly didn't feel the words, I began to sing a chorus we'd sung at church: "I've got so much thank Him for, so much to praise Him for, well you see, He's been so good to me, and when I think of what He's done and where He's brought me from, I've got so much to thank Him for." You'd think that'd be it, but my Trainer wasn't finished yet. He had still more to i,part. As I normally do, when I got to my office I opened my devotional and although the verse for the day was good, it was the verses above it that stood out in bold letters. He let me know, in no uncertain words from His WORD, that He not only had my back, but was right beside me on this journey to liveliving He's begun in my life. I'm going to print it (James 1:2-4)here in The Voice version because of how it reads, but many know these verses as well as I do. Still, read this: "Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line—mature, complete, and wanting nothing." WOE!!! Isn't that awesome? It hit me right between the eyes, in my solar plexus and went straight to my heart. Rather than shame me, He lifted me up and a new light has begun to dawn. He will complete the work He's begun in my life, the weight will come off, I will be fit for His Kingdom work, He will continue to bring newness into my life, both in friends and adventures, I am walking with my King and He truly does love me.WOW!! Praise You Lord!

The Cost of Forgiveness

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depends on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge... One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you O God, are strong and that you, O God, are loving." (Psalm 62: 5-7, 11-12, NIV) In Joyce Meyer's devotion this morning she spoke about prayer and how it releases the power of almighty God into our daily lives; how it can move the hand of God. Simple, believing prayer. So, okay Father, here goes. You know how I enjoy or visits. They are uniquely ours and I cherish them. You know that, and I feel you smile. We started this conversation yesterday morning and you've brought it up again so I must go there. My work key wouldn't open the gym door this morning, some connection within it is broken and entry was denied. That's how I'm feeling lately, that some connection between me and you is locking me out of, or gaining access to your heart, and I don't have the know how to fix the key. I love our chats, I miss our chats. What am I dong wrong? Show me my sin, that I might confess it and our relationship be restored. "Unforgiveness, daughter." Towards whom? "You know towards whom. Your boss. certain members of your family. Nick. Yourself. Me. Each in a different way and to different degrees, but you know it's there." Oh. "You willingly chose this journey to liveliving. This is part of it, part of your growth. Forgive them." But Father. you know my heart. They hurt me, the child in me. "I forgave you and you killed my Son." Oh. Do I have to "love" them? "Let Me do that part. You just forgive." They will hurt me again. Not forgiving them protects the child in me. It keeps them at a distance. "Yes, but it also locks the door to the growth in our relationship. You don't want that either. Remember, all this brings us full circle to your original question. You want the key to our relationship fixed? Forgive." Okay, so if I forgive... "No conditions daughter, no restrictions. Forgive." That's hard Father. Can't I just jab them a little? "For what? Will that restore your relationshp with them? Jabbing them...a little?" No. "From your heart daughter. Go into another room, shut the door, get on your knees and give them to Me. For Jesus' sake." For Jesus' sake, Father? "Why do you think he willingly died on the cross for you? Just to please me? No, he went through all he did on the cross so that the relationship between me and you could be restored. He paid the ultimate price of forgiveness. Isn't your forgiveness worth it, for Him?" Yes, Father. Thank you. "Give them to Me. Forgive."

More Early Writings

02/25/15 John 8:28-29 - "So Jesus said, 'When you have lifted up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am the one I claim to be, and that I do nothing on my own, but speak just what the Father has taught me. The one who sent me is with me; he has not left me alone, for I always do what pleases him." Father, may my desires become 'one" with yours. Yesterday morning we were told that our co-worker's niece, Grace, 13, committed suicide by hanging the night before. Our whole office is devastated. This morning when on the treadmill, I was praying for Tina and her family and my first excise cheer came to mind. "From the top of my head, to the tip of my toes, the sweat is melting the fat. I thank you Lord, I praise you Lord, I look unto your face. I thank you for your work in me, Walk forward in your grace." And that last word brought young Grace to the forefront of my thoughts. Her name means "God's favor." I hear the Holy Spirit speak to my heart, "Don't do this exercising for yourself, do it for the life she could have had, do it for your co-worker, do your workouts for others, to show them how full their lives can be when they invite Me along for the journey. Do this for that one woman who believes she'll never make it, never get the weight off, never shake off her emotional baggage. Do this for her that Jesus might be revealed in you." Amen Father, amen. From this prayer came this cheer: It's not about speed, it's about endurance. Walking with Jesus, walking with Jesus. Do it for Tyson, do it for Grace, Do it for those who can't run the race. Do it for Mary, do it for Grace, (added Mary after she was hospitalized) Do it for those who can't run the race. See them ahead? Cheering you on! All glory to God, The race has been won! 02/28/15 Joshua 1:7-9, NIRV (May His Word ignite your soul) “Be strong and very brave. Make sure you obey the whole law my servant Moses gave you. Do not turn away from it to the right or the left. Then you will have success everywhere you go. 8 Never stop reading this Book of the Law. Day and night you must think about what it says. Make sure you do everything written in it. Then things will go well with you. And you will have great success. 9 Here is what I am commanding you to do. Be strong and brave. Do not be afraid. Do not lose hope. I am the Lord your God. I will be with you everywhere you go.” 03/02/15 Luke 5:5 "Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets." That's what I feel like today Lord. I worked hard for 30 days, have only list 2 1/2 lbs. and my new exercise partner has stopped coming. I feel like Peter, "I haven't caught anything." Yet, because you've called me to this, I am going to register for that 5K in Fort Dodge today, I'm going to "let down my nets." Whether I lose another pound or not, I'm going to follow you. I'm going to give up all my own ways of thinking, of doing, of following the rules and step out in faith and come to you. It's a new fresh month Lord Jesus and I devote it and dedicate it to you, and follow your direction. In Jesus' name, because you say so.