Loyalty

Well, I did it. This past Monday I went to a reputable tattoo shop and memorialized my friend Mary with a tattoo on my lower left leg above the ankle bone. She was 75 when she died in April of this year, almost 20 years my senior, but she and I formed a bond when I first started attending her church almost 20 years ago. Our pastor at the time came to call us the M&M girls (she being Mary and me being Marilyn). She liked that and every now and then she reminded me and new pastors of our bond. So that's what I got put on my leg, A brown M&M girls and purple M&M girl. The brown has wings and we both have glasses. That's just who we were. We cried together, laughed together, prayed over our children and any issues at hand together. Still we both lived our separate lives. She, devoted to her family and relationship with Christ and I with mine. I got upset with her from time to time and commiserated with her daughter over it, but Mary was always faithfully loyal. She loved me no matter how I expressed myself. She saw Christ in me even when I was at my worst, and showed me by her actions that He truly lived in me. She never showed anger towards me, even though she maybe should have. She never yelled at me, even though she should have. Mary just loved.

 After receiving the tattoo I pondered why I did it. I have family members who I love with all my heart, yet I didn't get a tattoo for them. What is it that drove me to mutilate my body so in honor of a friendship? I have a second tat on my right inner forearm, that I got in 2011, of a butterfly in honor of my friend Etta and the LiveLiving organization she founded. Again, not a blood family member. So it bears the need to understand why. 

 On this journey the Lord has me following I've come to see myself more fully every time I turn around, and the word that comes to my heart and describes the why to me is loyalty. That word has fallen out of prominence in the past several years to almost total extinction. Except for, of course, when you see movies depicting medieval times where for example, Braveheart died for love and loyalty to his king and kingdom. Thousands gave their lives for their emperors, kings or rulers out of loyalty. The disciples and thousands of believers died horrible deaths for loyalty to their King, Jesus. 

     
So, what is it about loyalty so strikes a cord in my heart that I would immortalize someone forever on my body? I looked the word up. Loyalty is defined as: to be faithful, reliable, stable, firmly established, securely determined, committed, belief, conviction, steadfastness.  In fact, loyalty and faith appear to be two sides of the same coin. The Strong's Concordance defines faith as the conviction of the truthfulness of God. Loyalty is to be faithful, trust and stand firm in your belief.

    
 It is hard to find a loyal friend, one who has your back come what may, who believes in you no matter what, who faithfully supports you and is determined to see the best within you, the Jesus within you, if you will. Years may pass without contact, but when you meet up again it is like time has stood still and the relationship is rekindled anew. 

It's also difficult to find loyalty in the workplace. Coworkers that you can rely on to cover you when you make a mistake are few and far between. When you find them, stay with them. When you have an employer that supports, encourages, and sees the best in you, urging you on to bigger and better things, don't lose track of that jewel. 

Loyalty to others and their loyalty to me is becoming increasingly more important to me the older I get and the more I discover who Jesus created me to be. I will stand next to and support a friend/coworker who does the same for me, come what may. That's loyalty. When I encounter someone deserving of loyalty they receive it wholeheartedly. Of that, I am secure, I am steadfast. I make no apologies for it. I just need to represent that loyalty in a way that also honors my Lord and I'm working on that. It's very easy to become angry in support of my friend, but that anger doesn't honor Jesus. Loyalty to Him is #1. Loyalty to a friend must flow out of that loyalty to Jesus. I remain on the journey path to fully live living.

Every day Struggles

     It's been an interesting week, mentally; not necessarily a "good" interesting, but more of a "spiritually challenging" interesting. Work is as stressful as ever and every day, as the frustration builds, I find myself wanting to talk with someone about the frustration, "just to vent". That would be fine if I were drawn to another believer who would give me the Lord's perspective, correct my wrong thinking and pray with me. However, I haven't been drawn to another believer. I'm more drawn to one individual at work who isn't a believer. This person is charismatic, fun, intelligent and has many of the same frustrations as I do. They make me laugh and my self-indulgent side is drawn to them like a moth to flame. In my many attempts so show them Jesus in me I find my fleshly side sneaking out and wanting to display many of their own unbelieving characteristics. Every time I've been pulled mentally to go "share" with them, to get comfort from them, I hear His still quiet voice say to me, "No". "No, daughter, don't. Come to Me. Bring all your frustrations and struggles to Me. Trust Me with it all and know that I will calm you, give you peace and take care of the problems." I have found myself literally crying out to my God, "Help me, Jesus. Help me, Jesus," or at my weakest points just saying His name, "Jesus." Still I'm tempted. Not to eat what I shouldn't, but more to "eat" what my flesh craves instead of spiritual food.  It would probably be here where I state that I overcame the temptations and reigned victorious by speaking God's Word to myself, but I must admit, all I could do was bow my head and speak His name.  This journey to liveliving is not always victorious. Forgive me, but there are times it is damn hard. Satan, in his insipid way hisses in my ear, "Go on. Talk to that person, vent, gripe, murmur, complain, talk badly about others at your job. Go on, they'll understand. They know you better than you do. They won't look down on you. Of course, they won't come to know Jesus, but who cares? You need them. Go onnn!"
    I know I need to surround myself with other believers who can hear my heart's cry, understand and help me refocus on my Lord, but their number isn't on my phone's speed dial. It's not that Jesus isn't strong enough to give me victory without them, I know that He is. But sometimes the addiction to self-indulge, whether that be eating, thinking, or just my general daily walk in life, does it's best to overtake me and all I can do is cry out His name.
   I will say that I didn't do what Satan tempted me to do and in that, there is victory, but I feel like I somehow let Jesus down. Like I should have had a more Life-affirming attitude. I should have been stronger in my faith and let my praise of Jesus raise me to Him. Still, I did hear His voice. I did obey His instructions. I did lean on Jesus and not Satan. I didn't lose my testimony to that individual I've been trying to show Jesus. He showed me that I CAN do all things, even the overwhelming duties I've been instructed to do, through Him, and He is strengthening me. I know that I know, when He is ready, and He knows I am ready, He will move me on to a job I flourish in, a job where the gifts He's given me will blossom from a faith that is strong and overcoming. So thank you Father. Thank you for being with me this past week and in the weeks to come. Thank you for your strength and still calm voice that speaks to me in my weakest moments as well as in my strongest moments. I give you praise for showing me You are ever present with me, even when I'm weakest.

A Bug's Testimony

After my workout yesterday morning I headed to the locker room to shower, change and prepare for work. I stepped into the shower, turned on the water and discovered that the water level on the floor was rising to my ankles. Looking down I saw that the drain was filled with hair and other debris, one of which was a black bug. I used the end of an old razor to try and clear the hair from the drain holes and pushed enough of it sufficiently away to see the water begin to drain. That bug was in the midst of what must have seen to be a tidal wave to him, but he kept swimming against the current. I thought surely he would drown and go down the drain but he fought valiantly on. I could have stepped on him and killed him, but I was bare-footed and the thought of his bug juices between my toes was not appealing. He fought with all his might to escape and finally made it a good foot from the drain, only to find himself in the midst of a torrential downpour from the water streaming down from the shower head and beating against his tiny little body. Still he fought to live. Forcing his tiny legs on he made it to the edge of the stall and seemed to dance for joy with his new-found freedom. Thinking he'd be okay now, I ignored him at that point and continued on with my shower. Toweling off I glimpse him out by the lockers upside down and on his back, wiggling his legs and seeming to give up. He had fought so hard to live that it seemed unimaginable that he would surrender his life at this point. I gently nudged him with my toe to flip him over and put the towel over my wet hair. Looking back, he was on his back again. "What are you doing?" I asked him, "trying to dry off your belly or giving up?" I nudged him again and he crawled away to the corner of the floor at the edge of the lockers. Who knows where he went from there, but the Lord surely taught me an important lesson in that little bug. His life's journey is miniscule compared to mine and even more minute in the grand scheme of life. If that little bug, whom God created, can survive his near death experience and want to give up and die after the battle...and with a simple nudge from my toe, carry on, surely I, whom God also created, and loves even more, can overcome any obstacle put in my life to discourage me. With the full weight of His love and power He will equip me to thrive and be the jewel He knows I am. And when I want to give up and quit, He will send someone to give me a little nudge to encourage me to carry on to live fully in Him. How cool is that? Live, fellow struggler, keep fighting, and even when you've overcome and still the spirit of depression or doubts come against you, cry out to Him and He will bring His angels to you to encourage you. If He did it for Jesus, surely He will do it for you and me. No one may see your struggle, but He does, and He will never leave you, He'll never forsake you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! He'll never leave you, He won't forsake you, You can take all your troubles to His throne. He'll walk beside you, He'll love and guide you, On His Word you can depend. He'll never leave you, He won't forsake you, You can trust your truest Friend, I will trust my truest Friend, He'll always be my truest Friend!!!

What Color is the Water?

 

So I'm at the pool exercising and chatting with the Lord yesterday and about 1/2 an hour into it I ask Him, "So am I going to be fat forever? I mean, I've been at this for almost 10 years off and on and a -25 is all I seem to have kept off. I'm just being real with you Lord, will I always be fat?" 

And He answered. (I love that!) He said, "Daughter, YOU are not fat." 

"WHAT?" I responded. "Have you looked at me lately?"
Daughter, the you I created is not fat. And you have lost so much excess baggage in your life over the past 7 years that you have allowed Me access to your life; I've worked within you so much that the person who sought me out to lose the physical weight doesn't exist any more. You are so much more than the seeker you were then. Don't you see that?" 

"Yes, Father, when I step away from the struggle I do see that. But when I exercise all I can see and feel jiggle is the fat."

 "Daughter, what color is the water that you're exercising in?" 

 "What?" I responded. "What color is the water? "Well, when I look at it from here, where I'm standing in the water, it's blue." 

"But when you lift the water out of the pool, what color is it? What is it's true color?" 

 So I did that, I lifted a handful of water out of the pool and realized what I already knew, that the water is not actually blue. 

"It's clear Father." "
That's right. The truth is not what you SEE from where you're standing within the situation, it's what you know, what I've spoken to and over you. The truth is clear, just like the water. You are who I have created, and am in you."

 "So," I pondered, "how does that relate to right now, to this body?"

 "The water takes on the characteristics of whatever container it is in. If it's in a pool where the floor is painted blue, it appears blue. If it's in a lake or pond, the water is whatever the bottom of the lake or pond is composed of. If it's in an ocean, it takes on the ocean's characteristics, sometimes blue, sometimes green from algae, sometimes dirty brown. However, the truth is, the water's true color is clear, no matter what the "container's base composition. All these years you have been "seeing" yourself as still that dirty water, still that unclean person you were before I saved you from that life, and you have been feeding that person unclean thoughts, unclean food, pure and simple, uncleanness, day after day, all in a effort to be YOU and feel better about you.
  Remember when you sang that solo at the high school arts show, "I Gotta Be Me" (originally sung by Frank Sinatra)? You so wanted to be free of the uncleanness you had allowed yourself to keep "swimming" in, and from the depths of your heart the real you wanted to be rescued, so much so that you even had to sing about it. All the past 30+ years you've been swimming in water that was not the you I created. Now you are seeing the real truth. The YOU I've created has been washed by the water of my Son's blood shed on the cross and my Holy Spirit now lives in you. Your true composition is holy, pure and clear. YOU are no longer "fat". That fat represents your past life, and is no longer truly you. YOU are holy, pure, clear, beautiful, smart, creative and am becoming the very image of my Son. Can you see that now?"

 "Wow... Wow. I think I like this person so much more. Okay, so what I need to do is not "see" the fat, but "see" the me you created and "feed" that person. Cleanly. In every area of my life I need to nurture that true me, everything from what I read, eat, think, listen to, speak and allow in my life. When I do that I will "see" clarity will with each step. The fat will fall off in every area of my life, not just the physical.
Wow. This is so much MORE than I originally asked for. Thank you. I'm so amazed that You would do that for me. Wow. Thank you Father. May I be so aware of your life within me that each step becomes a journey of joy that will feed others. 

Thank you. Wow."

I Hear You

I'm pumped, I'm primed, I'm ready to get back hard at the exercise routine this fine, hot Monday morning. All weekend long I've entertained the joy of going to the racquetball area in my gym and dancing for and with Jesus. Can NOT wait! I'm up at 4:20 (yes, I snoozed in 5 minutes), dressed and out the door by 4:40, arriving at my work place just before 5:00 AM and head to they gym. SO EXCITED! Going down one floor in the elevator, tapping my toes, anticipating the work out and what to my wondering eyes does appear? A yellow caution tape across the open gym door and a sign saying that the pool and gym are closed until further notice. Okay, no matter, I'm heading to the racquetball area, surely that sign and warning won't affect what I intend to do this morning. Surely. And then I see that the lights in the racquetball room are on and there are cords all over the place and especially there. Oh no, please don't tell me...I look in the one window and see that there are at least four air blowers down there and it appears that maintenance is resurfacing the hard wood floor. It reminds me of my youth when the janitors resurfaced and lacquered the high school gym floor in the summer before school was to start. Dancing would not be my exercise routine today. Trying to stay optimistic I resolve to shower and head upstairs to exercise in the Word of God. I should have known my Father was orchestrating even this. I opened my devotional to today's scripture which is from Ephesians 4:29-31, which reads: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." ---OUCH---- I've always been challenged with controlling my tongue. In the past, and if I'm truthful, even today, whenever I witness any form of injustice to others or to myself I become instantly angry for that person being attacked, and although now I meet it with more silence than verbal reactions, my tongue has been known, in the distant past, to be quite caustic. Granted, over the years He has seasoned me well with His loving chastisement, but there is always room for improvement and He's showing me that today, even before my day begins. Hmmmm, must be needed today. I even have a sticky-note on my computere that says, "Take charge of your mind today! (I've crossed out the word "mind" and have rewritten it with the word "mouth". Okay, Father, I hear you. What is in the heart comes out of the mouth, I hear you. "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he," (Proverbs 23:7) I hear you, I hear you. I so surrender my mouth, my thoughts and my heart to you this day. Well, let's slow it down to this hour and see how it goes. So far, so good. Of course at 7:15 AM there aren't too many people around so the mouth stays shut. May my heart be so right with you this day that the words I speak this morning will be helpful for building others up according to what they need, not what I think they need. As the Casting Crowns song says, "May the words I say, And the things I do, Make my lifesong sing, Bring a smile to You." In Jesus' Name. Okay, Father, here we go. I pray also that the excitement I experienced this weekend and even this morning, anticipating dancing with you, follow through in my obedience to your will to speak life to each person I meet. Exercise your will in me this day, in Jesus' name I pray.

You Go Girl!

I had the best visit with my friend Etta yesterday and she brought up something that I "knew" but never really recognized as being unique to who Marilyn is. Sometimes it takes another person to expose the truth, not as you want it to be but as it is. She emphasized character traits that dwell within me and make me...me. It's hard to write it down "on paper" because I never thought of it as being special. So here goes...my whole being thrives in the arts, and not just the musical/painting/acting kind of arts, although they do excite me. Anything that initiates movement and creativity gets my juices flowing. I love the wave and flow of music, listening to it, creating it, directing it, dancing to it. I love putting "pen to paper" to create ideas and express concepts that come to mind. On another vein, I salivate just thinking about buying a circular saw in order to create a unique lamp for my organ transformed into a desk. Then my heart quickens thinking about what else I can build/create with that saw. My grandfather was a carpenter and built a bookshelf back in the 1960's that still stands firm and strong today in my living room. I want to build another just like it for my new study room. Creative juices flow when i get in the kitchen and find a recipe in a cookbook that I've never made before and just happen to have the ingredients to concoct whatever is on the page. I smile a bit broader when I can alter the recipe and create my own version of it and my family gobbles it down. My fingers twitch to pick up a hammer or paint brush for a new project or figure out a way to organize and plan a women's conference. Anything that sparks creativity within me makes me TICK! LOUDLY! And at the age of 57 that speaks volumes to my heart. I remember telling my grandmother when I was 7 or 8 that when I grew up I wanted to learn what made people tick and she sternly chastised me for that. I assumed she interpreted my words in a sexual nature...I'm not sure, but she let me know that finding out what made people tick, in her mind, was a big no-no. Now that I'm near the age she was at that time, I want to tell my grand daughter, "You go girl!! Find out what makes you tick and go for it!" Granted, I'm not my grandmother, but back to the truth revealed. "Anything that initiates movement and creativity" makes me LIVE. So why am I at a sit down job, inputting claims, etc. for an insurance company? Why am I not doing the work that makes me thrive? Well, the paycheck is a big motivator and the fact that the Lord put me here for His purpose, which may be to find out the above. I don't know, but I do know that as long as He has me here I'm going to find ways to thrive under His leadership. I want to be creatively, fully alive to thrive. So what makes you tick?

The Butterfly Effect

I just finished reading Michael W. Smith's book "What I learned from a Simple Blessing," and on page 147 he writes, "...the small flashes of light we beam into the lives of others can have more meaning than we think. It's an example of what some physicists call the "butterfly effect." In short, the butterfly effect says that the amount of air displaced by a butterfly's wings can eventually generate a hurricane. No, they're not talking about some monstrous mutant butterfly. They meant that small movements of air cause other small movements, and those movements combine to build momentum and create larger movements until finally enough of these movements accumulate to generate winds of hurricane force. You may bless someone in a small way that you think nothing about. Your blessing causes that person to take a given action, which in turn affects two or three others. Those three go on to affect six more, who in turn affect twelve others, until a family, a community, a city, a state or a nation is turned around." The reason this section of his book touched me was because butterflies have always intrigued me, their birth and stages of development fascinate me. Even more so the correlation between that and my own life. I was listening to T.D. Jakes the other day and he mentions many times in his messages about fulfilling your "destiny". My destiny. I'm 57 years old and am still searching for "my destiny," God's purpose for my life. This thought leads me to thinking about my legacy. What will I leave behind after I've died that has an impact on others' lives? What God-give purpose fulfills my destiny, my legacy? Some people die quite young and leave a lasting legacy that changes peoples lives forever, while others die in their 80's or 90's and no one even comes to their funeral. Case in point, my husband and I were stopped at a red light just yesterday for a funeral procession...there were, beside the hearse, only 6-8 cars following the deceased to his/her final resting place. I wondered, what legacy did that person leave behind with the flap of their "butterfly" wings? Granted, many peoples' lives may only touch their immediate family and that is their purpose, to be remembered lovingly, or not, by their family. Not everyone is destined to change the world, the term "world" being used respectfully. But should we aim so low? I'm thinking this past weekend of my grandmother as I am refurbishing her non-working organ into a useful writing desk and have time after time remembered the two of us playing together on the two organs she had in her home. It also reminds me of the countless lives she affected as a grade school teacher and the many times children would go to her desk seeking help. Her focus was the "children", young and old, brought into her life and in one way or another making their lives better. Did her actions change "the world"? Probably not, but her actions affected those people's world. She was not a saint, she made mistakes in her relationships early on that changed the lives of her own children for the rest of their lives, but I believe she more than made up for those mistakes by ministering into the lives of others for the rest of her life. So does my/your beam of light into the lives of others have more meaning than we think? I believe it does, both for the good and for hopefully only occasionally to the bad. Is my goal to have more good than bad? Well, sure it is. So how do I do that? Is it possible to do it on my own? Do I want to do it on my own and just hope for the best? Or is there a better way to flap the wings my heavenly Father has created and prepared for me to use? Michael W. Smith writes (on page 148): "We never know the long-range impact of our deeds, words or examples. We have the ability to affect people daily, not only through small acts of kindness but simply through the way we live. That is why it is critical that you and I strive to live in holiness every moment." So going to the gym every morning at 5:00 AM, does that really have an affect on anybody but me? Well, it does if you count the women I meet and talk to in the locker room. It does if you take into consideration the songs the Lord gives me while I'm in the pool that I can share with someone hurting. But, you may say, you're not losing weight very fast, what affect does that have? Well, this is the way I've come to look at it. I'm losing weight that I didn't even know I had, weight that burdened me down even more than the physical weight. I'm obeying my Lord's command to keep on going and leaving the results to Him. That makes my life and outlook lighter. In the meantime I'm flapping my butterfly wings which gives Him the honor and glory for each life that is touched. One day, like the heroes of faith in the book of Hebrews, I may only "see" the results when I'm home with my Jesus. But I believe by faith that God, through the power of His Holy Spirit, is the force, the wind beneath my wings and the world He's given me is changed.