Smile Through the Tears

My devotional this morning directed me to Psalm 91:15 - "He will call upon Me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." Psalm 91 is a special passage to me; it was one my first husband's favorite passages before he died with cancer, especially verses 1 and 2: "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.” And before I even realized it, I had written "2015-1990=25" in the top right hand corner of my notebook. Mike will have been gone 25 years this coming December 13th. Memories of the final 3 months of his life flood my mind, and I realize that my friend Mary died on the 13th as well, April 13th, 2015. My heart still aches over the loss of my Mike and the ache is renewed with the loss of my friend Mary. Immediately, I run to the lap of my heavenly Father and tell Him, "Some days, Father, I have trouble with my memories. I remember the happy times, but I can't ignore the ones that make me cry. You've taught me that crying is okay, crying is healing, crying helps to wash away the impurites of past memories. Crying is cleansing, as long as I don't keep stirring up the dirty water of pain and think that reliving the pain will make it go away." "Father, you tell me that when I need to cry You are with me and You will refresh me with your love and your Word. You tell me that You will deliver me from painful memories and give me deep breaths of pure, new life-giving experiences in which to make new memories. For that I am thankful and love you all the more. But for now, Daddy, my heart is welled up with tears. I miss my friend. Tomorrow is her funeral and I know I will cry some more." Still, I must remember the new memory you gave me just yesterday morning as I parked my car in my work's parking lot. On the radio one of Mary's most favorite songs began to play, "I Can Only Imagine," and the words of that song brought a vision of Mary to my mind. She doesn't have to "imagine what it will be like. When she walks by your side. She doesn't have to "only imagine what her eyes will see. When your face is before me(her)." She knows. And I see her jumping up and down, dancing in praise before Jesus, thrilled that her knees no longer hurt, her joints move freely and her blood sugars are a non-entity now! She and her body are free from all the constraints of this earthly life. She had the most beautiful smile, I can only imagine how beautiful is that smile now. Thank you for this. Mary is with her Jesus and I believe that if she could wipe away the veil between heaven and earth right now she'd say, "This is AWESOME! You've got to see what I see! There He is, Jesus! Hurry up and get here!" She would raise her arms in praise, shake her hands in joy and smile her great big smile, her eyes on her Lord. Yes, I do miss them both, but I will see them again and for that I can smile through the tears.